Kitty Power

Shake It Off: Roundup Part 3

I was a goddamned bitch for a fair chunk of 2005. I think it’s kinda funny now. Not as much as I did then…well, not always. I liked two guys for real in an honest open hearted sort of way and it didn’t remotely work out which made me temporarily emo (The Brit and the boy) and everyone else I chewed up and spit out…or we reached a mutually acrimonious end. I sure as hell wouldn’t have wanted to have dated (in any interpretation of that word) me for the first half of ’05.
Yet I was honestly nicer and more mellow than I’ve ever been. (“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.” Word.) I’ve made some new friends that I think are great and have really good relationships with everyone that really matters to me and I feel settled here with a home in a way I haven’t since I was a kid. I emotionally pulled myself up by the bootstraps through a lot of shit and I might not be satisfied with every aspect, but dude, I’m really happy now and I definitely wasn’t this time last year. I think it was the first year I can say I was actively handling my shit. I was really worried about me for half the year and was just a fucking emo wreck, but I proved that I can do what I need to do for myself when I’m floundering and I’ve come out better for it.
I might still hate my job and be broke and not weigh what I would like and 10,000 other things but I can shake that shit off and be a functional awesome person making plans and living a good life. And I can think of ways to change that stuff for the better too instead of being held hostage by the feeling that everything sucks and there’s no point in trying. I definitely streamlined even more than I was last year. Most of my fun happens in a 6 block radius from my apartment and I’m cool with that. I don’t really do 90% of the bullshit stuff I used to. I guess standing on the wall looking at “cool” people did lose its novelty…but free drinks? Never. (Though that maybe could change too honestly.)
I’m really just happy that last year I can say most my really brokedown episodes weren’t really stupid boy emo stuff. The thing with the boy made me really unhappy (sometimes still does) because fuck I was out there and it just hurt hurt hurt, but really I wasn’t going to lose it totally over him. I was disappointed, yes, but I was a fucking great would-be girlfriend and I don’t have a single regret. Likewise for The Brit. I could look at it that they didn’t prompt the hysterics of a Farmer or a Mr. Sailor because I wasn’t feeling it, but no, I just grew up and stopped being an overly melodramatic asshole for 2005. I could have a real crisis thinking about not wanting to be stuck in a career that currently feels mentally dead end and/or upset that I had a such big learning curve about how to be responsible and keep my head above water. But, a crying jag over some boys I was barely dating? No fucking way. And that’s gotta be progress or something.

3 Comments

  1. Nice. I feel the same way. When I think about how I spent last New Years (on date with boy, got into fight, stormed out of his apartment, got home by 8:30- got drunk went to bed. And still I had about another month of drama and crying over him!) this New Year’s rocked. I just can’t see myself getting that upset again over a boy I was “barely dating.” Hooray for calming the fuck down!
    Now when I drop hints the fellas refuse to pick up I think, ‘if you’re too stupid to behold my fabulosity, screw you.’ That’s progress, right?

  2. I think the progress is quite nice indeed. Congrats. And I do like that Cupcake. Say hi for me.

  3. Hi Nella. I dind’t realize youz was royalty. Please accept this belated curtsy.