The one problem I have with the summer is that there’s nothing to hide under. Perhaps it’s the latent tomboy who hates attention in me, but when the heat forces away my sweaters and jeans, I feel doubly exposed. There’s the obvious level where I have to confront the feelings in my own head having my flesh out there and resist the urge to wear a jacket no matter how hot it is. Then there’s the cause and effect of stripping away layers and skin exposed drawing the stairs. I got whistled at by a truck driver crossing the street yesterday at lunch. It bugged me to hear him still talking as I tried to suppress the urge to rip his throat out and thinking to myself: “well, I guess I should be used to it by now.” I don’t want to be used to it.
The other day at home, I calculated that I’ve gained approximately 50lbs in the 6 years I’ve been out of high school. It’s been the evolution from athletically skeletal to the chubby side of average. The numerical aspect is kinda frightening but I don’t mind really. I’m prone to fluctuations and I’ve been in a losing period lately. Which no doubt will probably be hastened by the summer. On the street, I’m sick of watching them watch me being barely restrained by things that used to be looser. I feel like a steak on a plate. And I just quit my gym. Time to buy a bike to ride around the park on!
Ugh…if I hear about another girl my age or younger getting/being engaged, I’m going to scream…isn’t that “everyone around but me is getting married!” angst something you’re supposed to be able to wait until at least late twenties for?! I’m not even dating anyone — and that doesn’t bother me (most of the time) — so the pressure is just annoying. It’s strange to say, but thank god most of my friends are like me in that respect because if one of them went all Bridezilla, I’d freak out. ‘Cause it’s all about me, me, me ! No non-singles in my vicinity…except for Lina, but that’s complicated. Of course, I kid…sorta.
Anyways, the other week, the whole company was corralled into going to see a teenie movie since the book was written and then the movie produced in house. All of the other divisions of my company are so much more fun that mine! I’d basically gone kicking and screaming since it was required, but it was a damned good movie. Don’t tell anyone this, but it actually made me cry a bit. Sob…don’t die, little girl! Sob…you’ve remarried and made a new family, but what about me?! Sob…I thought sex would fill a hole in my soul but it didn’t! Sob…this movie is hurting my cold heart! Sob! I’m a closet sap. I totally admit it. And I want to see The Perfect Man…on cable one day, just so I can be happily sappy in the comfort of my own home.