School is over and I have returned to some semblance of an adult life. Back to working at a mega agency, subletting my friend's place in Bushwick until the end of September, most of my old apartments' stuff in a storage unit. I graduated burned out on my passion project thesis and generally unsure of what to do next.
In my heart of hearts, I'd love to move to Paris and re-mmerse myself in the great expat community I met during my past two visits. The visa situation is super tough though and I find more reasons to be wary about going there every week. What I really want in my life is an adult adventure not in NYC. I've given this place 30 years and am dying to experience something else. The where is the big question mark at this point.
I've also been attempting to give my cynicism a rest. With the full knowledge, I'll never be completely happy go lucky either. But it's way less energy needed to allow myself to find the fun in a bad situation. Like my foray into speed dating the other week. That was super yikes, but ultimately so comedic.This summer's been great so far for meandering and doing as much (or little) as I want to do. Nothing's going to touch last year's jam-packed travelpalooza, but that's okay.
This is rare time where I can say without hesitation that life is pretty damned good. Sure, I'm entering the wild eyed pressured phase of my thesis and am still struggling to keep my brain totally focused. And most things aren't totally perfect. But, I'm turning 30 on Wednesday and going to Europe on Thursday and feel happy and settled and inspired and healthy and hopeful. The lack of complaints on so many fronts blows the things I could complain about out of the water. It's a really nice feeling.
Over the years, I've always thought about what kind of tattoo I would get if I could swallow my fear of needles long enough to get inked. I had a phase where the phoenix rising from the ashes was it, then a black cat in honor of my neurotic girl. But the one thing that has stuck is just a simple writing of the word Excelsior. It means ever upward (actually, higher) in Latin (which I took for 5 years a million years ago) and is the New York state motto. It seems like it would be a nice tribute to the strange turns this life has taken over the years and that it has been getting better going on. Maybe I need to just pop a Xanax and make it happen.
My trip next week is a 12 day combined do over of Paris and first journey to Berlin. I'm curious to see what Paris will be like not agonizing over every Euro spent and able to do whatever I want. I'm looking forward to seeing a lot of the people I hung with over the summer and explore some new places too. The dream to move there is still chugging along, so scouting out some prospects is also on the agenda. It's harder for me to pick up and go haphazardly because working at a bar or tourist spot would probably barely be enough for me to pay my bills there and also take care of my student loan bills that are about to be due very soon. I want to figure out a way to work it out though. Berlin is a mecca of people I know, so I'm definitely interested in exploring that too. Two Brooklyn friends moved there in the past year, so I want to chill with them and see what the place is all about. My one guaranteed destination is Berghain and besides that, just plan to wander and soak it all about. PrincessNella and I are meeting up and exploring it together, so that should be hijinks galore.
Happy early birthday to me and hopefully many more.
I'm finally home and it feels great. The last month and change was really tough, mainly because it got a little exhausting to be in an unnatural situation for so long. Being an independent person cooped up in an uncomfortable dorm where I couldn't cook or shower when I wanted got tiring fast. Loved Paris though. I made friends and explored mainly on my own and it was a good experience. I have some definite opinions on French men (mostly negative), but I could almost seeing myself living there.
The weeks of travel in the homestretch were also fun. Visiting Lisbon and spending time with Alex was great. It was the most time I spent in one place after Paris and it was a nice break from lugging a 20kg suitcase behind me throughout Europe. Then the bittersweet final Paris lap and 14 hours in London before my return to Brooklyn.
New York feels exactly like I left it, which is comforting. I've loved seeing my friends and as I forecasted, did stuff my face like it was going out of style on my return. School starts back up on Wednesday and then it's the express train of a second year all the way to May and finishing up my thesis. No rest for the weary ever.
I've hit the halfway mark of this trip.
Europe's been exhilarating, exciting, and occasionally frustrating. I've grown to really love Paris, was awed by Rome, surprised by Naples and Lausanne, and a little disappointed in London. I've got another week in my program and then 2 weeks of travel to Nice and the Cote D'Azur, Barcelona, and Lisbon before doing 5 final days back here and a hop over to London to go home. It's exhausting to think about and definitely to be living, but I'm having a fantastic time just seeing everything.
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about all sorts of shit. I laugh at myself that I almost let a moment of self-doubt keep me home. I'm seeing things here that I've only dreamed about and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I've been thinking about home a ton though. I've missed my apartment, my fam and friends, and how easy it is for me to get around/things in NYC. The constant dealing with stuff flying at you left and right at home was good training for this trip, especially when I'm dealing with language barriers. I'm going to enjoy that first moment of plopping down on my own bed, surrounded my own things again. And then go on a crazy eating binge of my favorite foods. I'll gain back every pound lost in no time!
In less than 9 days, I'll be touching down in Europe for the first time. First stop is a brief layover in Iceland and then on to London for 2 whirlwind days before going on to my new home for the next 6 weeks, Paris.
Nervous doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I don't think I still believe it's quite happening. Despite the flight reservations and subletting and goodbye party to the contrary. In a typical fashion, I'm having a bout of melancholy before I even get anywhere, but I'm excited for this long overdue trip. It feels important for me to do it (mostly) alone and in a very different stage in my life than it would've been as an undergrad. I definitely haven't been practicing my French enough, but I think I've got plenty of energy for this. Wish me luck.
This time last week, I was embracing the end of the school year by blowing off the work hunt for a few days. And of course, they had to rang my phone off the hook once I took advantage of a crazy $20 Jet Blue sale and took off for San Francisco. This visit was way more touristy overall, but I loved the revisit to the bizarro bar of my Brooklyn Cheers. And B, always awesome, and hopefully coming to my coast soon, so I can show him my personal wonderful crazed NYC.
After my second visit, I'm a little in love with the city. I don't quite understand the million different transportation options, but I could really see myself there. PrincessNella and I wandered the streets, scoping out imaginary apartments and pretending that I was there permanently. Maybe I will make the move next year. It's definitely a strong possibility.
Back in NYC, I've landed a freelance job that will last me to weeks before the Europe adventure. I'm stoked on life and everything right now, just trying to keep my life in order. July is coming up so far and I'm really trying to balance lining up all the ducks in row with the fun warm weather brings here.
I've been a little distracted though playing the what if game and that kicked up all sorts of feelings I've struggled with over the years with the blog. It's a strange and weird thing to have a worldwide accessible diary of young adulthood. I can pull up posts that talked about my first loves, my first adult job, my first apartment, and all the heartache that came with that. I have made a conscious effort over the years to detangle myself (and all my emotions) from here, but there's something so powerful just the same knowing that someone who has read from 2003 can read between the lines seven years later and know the real me I usually think I'm hiding so well.
There;s no denying that swiftly approaching 30, my life has taken weird turns that I'd have never imagined in 2003 as a bright-eyed 22-year old who thought I knew everything. But that's just how life goes really. At this point, I want a brilliant summer and go back to school in the fall with a great thesis idea. I want to fulfill a longtime dream and explore Europe with no lingering regrets/nagging thoughts. I want fun, I want romance, I want satisfaction. I want everything and I feel like I'm in a place where I finally know how to get it.
I'd been thinking of a blog revival for some time now.
Life has been way better than my next to last post might indicate. School has emerged as fun once I was able to clear the past six and a half years of working insanely out of my brain a bit. I'm even going to Paris this summer to study video, walk around, and pinch myself because I'll have finally made it to Europe.
I've taken two great trips so far this year: the first was a long-needed vacation to Miami and then a cruise to the Bahamas with my buddies PrincessNella and Banana. I just hung out looking at beautiful water, feeling the sand on my feet, and having few cares in the world. I came back to New York so clear-headed and refreshed. Everything has been (mostly) awesome since.
Then I just came back Tuesday, half kicking and screaming from San Francisco/the Bay area. I visited the long-departed Fizzie and kicked it with him in the East Bay, making new friends out there. And also hung out in the city with my friend S (who just moved back there), wandering around town and marveling at the similarities (The Mission = Williamsburg) and differences (I felt way more unsafe in the Tenderloin than I've ever anywhere in NYC. Including the South Bronx). The highlight was definitely hanging out with B, as always too briefly. Chatting with him about the blog made me promise to be more active if only because he's more stoked about it than anyone else ever. Except for maybe me, circa 2003. My biggest regret about the trip was only staying for 4 days -- half of which I spent working on a paper (ended up with a B+). I was looking for cheap later flights up until I had to go to the airport. I'm definitely going to end up back there soon, especially if the fare specials keep going,
I'm on spring break at the moment, trying to motivate myself to work on projects for class and maybe something that can make the end of the semester show that my program puts on. It's more than a little scary that I've got about six weeks until my first year of grad school is over and then 2 months before I'm jetting off to France. Time flies.
I think the most annoying thing about the conference week (yeah okay, I'm about to run out of steam on that tip. You know me, I'm a roundup maniac) was seeing all the acts that need to be getting some critical acclaim but someone is dropping the fucking ball. I'd give anything for 3 Killa Kela articles to every fucking M.I.A. cover.
Especially since I don't give a fuck what every critic and ILMer under the sun says. I've seen her for myself. She fucking sucks. You can crow about her talent (that screechy fucking voice! give me a break!), dancing (worse than a spastic toddler), beauty (if you like that butterface steez), and her exoticness (cause we all know that brown but not like black is what's really good). I was pretty fed up with the circle jerking bullshit before I left but to get down there and see all the covers and album reviews and articles and the hype amount to balls was too much for me to bear. That shit was making me sick. I thought my head would explode. *deep breath*
Besides that though, it was all fun. Wandering through the Raleigh [when I get some real money, it's so on there!] Friday looking for panels, C and I ran into the man I went all the way to Montreal to see 4 years ago. He's super wee, but so awesome. [Getting stuck down in Florida an extra day made me miss the album release party (though I could've sworn Return To V has been out for ages) last night.] Going back the same way afterwards, we saw Ben Watt who blew the hell out of the place the Wednesday night. Through the weekend, I wondered if there were any music people left in England. The drum and bass crew were representing massive -- we heard that the World of Drum N' Bass party was a rager but we were wary about spending $60 and running to downtown parts unknown in the middle of the night. I caught 33Hz Wednesday night and what I remember of that night, it was good. That was my only nighttime bender because I woke up around 6am in my hotel room bed totally clueless of about 5 hours. That's never a good sign. So after that, I kept my drinking to double fisting it at the M3 evening parties.
True to me, I had the most fun running around with randoms. Friday night, I was running with the d'n'b heads up and down South Beach, marvelling at the super dope hotel stays everyone else was having and flirting extra tough with the Brit boy. You'd think they'd spent all their time pouring over Car and Driver and dealership windows cause they would freak the fuck out at the sight of every stylish car rolling down the way. Miami is crazy with the flashy cars. My personal fave: the old Monte Carlo running on 26's -- and I only know that because there was a decal bragging about it in the window. C and I got to doing our best Chris Rock impressions earlier in the week ("Look at 'em spin, nigga! They spinnin!"). Sunday night, I rolled into a crazy tech house party with kids dancing on the floor -- literally. Momentarily, I thought I'd like to have whatever they were on and thought better of it. Do we like dancehall and garage in our house music? Yes indeed. C has thinking over the idea of launching a grime, ghettotech, brazilian booty bass, and dancehall party for the summer. Says she: "We need a place with a stripper pole and once you bring the girls with the big booties to the place, everyone else will follow." I can't argue with that. I think it can be a hit as long as we keep the corny non-dancing ass hipsters out the loop. We've got our long term focus on.
"New York...just like I pictured it! Skyscrapers and everythang!" If you can identify that line, you can go get a cookie. You deserve it!
I touched down at LGA circa noonish, starting my journey at 4:30am in MIA. The extra day wasn't quite as flip as my last post by far. True to form, I had another travel disaster just when I began to breathe easy. Missed my flight out yesterday afternoon and got screwed on catching the last one out of town on that airline. Back to Miami Beach I went. The hysterics faded as I holed up in a hotel for cheap with some delicious Cuban food and quality time with my two currentfave albums on the Zen. I fucking adore that town and wish I had money to set up shop there. Meanwhile if you notice me, brushing up on my Spanish, that's why.
The trip was awesome -- if only for the people spotting and musical hodgepodge alone. I spent so much time cruising and walking around listening to music. Miami is like a perma NYC summer with music blasting from everywhere. They actually have good radio stations! I've returned wanting to consume everything -- breaks, ghettotech, acid house, grime, soca, samba, and shit that I don't even know the name of. My mind was blown by everything I saw and did and I love that it all was so relaxed compared to the frantic unfulfilling nights around here in town. I'm super brown and the smile is enormous. I feel fantastic.
And the fact that spring finally arrived really does not hurt. I also know I'll probably be miserable again before the week is out, but I'm trying to savor this before reentering the grind tomorrow. It was so good while it lasted.
