Recently in Relationships and Personal Stuff Category

This is rare time where I can say without hesitation that life is pretty damned good. Sure, I'm entering the wild eyed pressured phase of my thesis and am still struggling to keep my brain totally focused. And most things aren't totally perfect. But, I'm turning 30 on Wednesday and going to Europe on Thursday and feel happy and settled and inspired and healthy and hopeful. The lack of complaints on so many fronts blows the things I could complain about out of the water. It's a really nice feeling. Over the years, I've always thought about what kind of tattoo I would get if I could swallow my fear of needles long enough to get inked. I had a phase where the phoenix rising from the ashes was it, then a black cat in honor of my neurotic girl. But the one thing that has stuck is just a simple writing of the word Excelsior. It means ever upward (actually, higher) in Latin (which I took for 5 years a million years ago) and is the New York state motto. It seems like it would be a nice tribute to the strange turns this life has taken over the years and that it has been getting better going on. Maybe I need to just pop a Xanax and make it happen. My trip next week is a 12 day combined do over of Paris and first journey to Berlin. I'm curious to see what Paris will be like not agonizing over every Euro spent and able to do whatever I want. I'm looking forward to seeing a lot of the people I hung with over the summer and explore some new places too. The dream to move there is still chugging along, so scouting out some prospects is also on the agenda. It's harder for me to pick up and go haphazardly because working at a bar or tourist spot would probably barely be enough for me to pay my bills there and also take care of my student loan bills that are about to be due very soon. I want to figure out a way to work it out though. Berlin is a mecca of people I know, so I'm definitely interested in exploring that too. Two Brooklyn friends moved there in the past year, so I want to chill with them and see what the place is all about. My one guaranteed destination is Berghain and besides that, just plan to wander and soak it all about. PrincessNella and I are meeting up and exploring it together, so that should be hijinks galore. Happy early birthday to me and hopefully many more.

A wallet is never just a wallet.

He revealed himself as fundamentally on a different wavelength with the whole episode. I had left in half asleep panic, looking in vain for my scarf and sadly resigned to never see it again. I love that scarf. The most sentimental souvenir from my long summer journey. It reminds me of sunshine and blazing my own trail alone. The two times I've thought I've lost it have both ended up being disastrous days for me. It's my good luck charm. If I believed in that sort of thing.

But this is about the wallet. Abandoned in the couch cushions despite my knowledge. It had led me there that night, promising fun but also prepared to go into battle. Sometimes you can sit and talk to someone you feel like you know so well and suddenly realize that you are strangers to each other. I kept my poker face on and accidentally sat my wallet down before the last acquiescence. It ruined my chance to go out the way I had planned.

I stood at the diner counter the next day and reached in my bag to pay for my order and found nothing. I stepped out to text to ask him to search for it, swallowing my pride. He was responsive and I settled in for the day, hoping to have it all resolved soon.

Yet I waited for days. I tried not to push even though how do you live without your wallet? Money, cards, ID, and Metrocard held hostage. I spent time at home stewing as he made every excuse under the sun to delay the return. If I had balls, he would've had me by them. Nothing to do but remain calm.

Until Day 3 when another flimsy excuse pushed me towards the edge of my false relaxation. I don't want to argue, I just want to get it back, I wrote. He wrote back with vitriol I had never seen. I was pretending to be blameless? Ungrateful? Making his life miserable? While he was holding everything that made me a functional person in his hands? Some people aren't worth shit. I'm sorry you feel that way, I just want this over with.

I marched across Brooklyn in the ice and snow to get my wallet and even said thank you. Then walked away without another one word. Some people aren't worth your breath. I was whole again. I even found the scarf a few days later. It may be just a scarf and I'm learning to stop losing my head over things.

I've been enjoying the hell out of myself this semester break. I didn't realize how worn out I was until I decided the most exciting thing I could do (repeatedly) was park in bed and watch Netflix Streaming. I had finals induced vampire hours for most of the past month, but I'm finally getting back to normal daytime rising...just in time to have most of my classes at night!

Skeletons and The Girl-Faced Boys - We Won't Be Proud, No No No

Life got insane rather quickly for me and I've just been trying to power through to the end of the semester. I'm planning to go back to Europe on another school program + travel in January (though life might have other plans currently). Next semester is going to be a little crazy with the thesis and school winding down. 

I've hit the halfway mark of this trip. Europe's been exhilarating, exciting, and occasionally frustrating. I've grown to really love Paris, was awed by Rome, surprised by Naples and Lausanne, and a little disappointed in London. I've got another week in my program and then 2 weeks of travel to Nice and the Cote D'Azur, Barcelona, and Lisbon before doing 5 final days back here and a hop over to London to go home. It's exhausting to think about and definitely to be living, but I'm having a fantastic time just seeing everything. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about all sorts of shit. I laugh at myself that I almost let a moment of self-doubt keep me home. I'm seeing things here that I've only dreamed about and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around that in a month's time, I'll have done a whole year of grad school. April is shaping up to be the busiest month so far. Last week was a bit shit as the motivation fell out of my life in a big way. All I wanted to do was avoid work and feel free and daydream about the money I could be making soon or strolling through Paris (if the damned school doesn't cancel the program like I've heard grumblings about,..). My mind was everywhere at once and taking that time for total irresponsibility had me working twice as hard this week.

I discovered the new Pantha du Prince album the other day and I've been happily rocking it, especially the song above. It's definitely struck a nerve.

I've been examining recently my feelings about the program. For a long stretch, I hated it. Last semester (and 2009 in general) was all about life upheaval and I really did end in December wanting to quit. My program can be very alienating because it seems like there's a culture in place where you're expected to give up everything else you have going on to hang out on the floor and exclusively with program people. With the exception of a friend or two, I just didn't click with anyone there and instead of running headfirst into it, I stepped back and carved out my own path. It hasn't made me the most popular 1st year, but at 29, I'd rather have a life I can happily call my own than be miserable trying to fit in. And this semester has felt different as I've followed my own passions more to take some non-typical classes and create a schedule and life balance I feel happy with. I might scream if another person asks me if I'm a part-time student, but I feel like the intellectual satisfaction I've had lately really keeps me from giving a shit what the average fellow program person thinks.

I'm at the point where I can always think of something else that I would like to have that I don't (a bigger apartment, being able to avoid the end of the semester poverty, a nice guy to indulge me in my nerdy talk), but the abject misery I felt as a cog in the corporate world is one thing I do not miss. It feels nice to smile and laugh and mean it. And I wouldn't trade making it out of the last crazy few years well-adjusted for anything else.

Friday, my heart broke into a million pieces.

I lost my 18-year old cat to old age and kidney failure. She was my companion, my friend, my baby, my heart, and only marginally my pet. The first and last thing I've seen every day for much of the last 7 years. My constant nag, my comforter, my strength, my warm assurance.

I never realized how much I depended on her presence and operated my life around her until she was gone. The new silence in my apartment is deafening.

But I wish her a happy afterlife without the pain of her last few months. And I know my own pain will fade one day too.