Kitty Power

Resolutions

Most of this list really isn't anything new to my Friendsters, but for 2004 I'm going to...

01. Write, write, write...
02. ...and get something published
03. Finally put my slacker days behind me
04. Get a spanking new place
05. Roll through some poor boy's life like a hurricane and make him love every second
06. Take the music junkie status to the next level
07. See how nice it is to have money in the bank without spending it almost immediately afterwards
08. Leave town more often
09. Follow through on my plans
10. Keep that adventurous spirit while looking before I leap a bit more
11. Be more present-focused
12. Be the best Candice I can be.

For A Bit of A Break

Should I be worried that on the eve of New Year's Eve I still don't know what the hell I'm doing to ring in 04 yet?

Roundup Part 3: Kitty List Power

Surprising Things I Miss About School:
1. The food. How bizarre is that? I complained about that shit all the time, but what I would give for a Turkey Club or Chicken Salad Sandwich. The meal I will definitely be having if/when I go back for a visit: grilled chicken with cheese sandwich with spicy fries and cranberry juice. That was my usual.
2. Not having friends within walking distance. Since school's been over, I've seen Jay once. Not that we saw each other all the time but still. She's just across two rivers. Alex is across the ocean. Tino's across the country. Everyone else is just scattered about. Gotta love the power of the net though for keeping us in contact.
3. Learning. I'm beginning to feel like my brain is atrophying. There's a lot of information passing across my eyes in NYC, but most of it is of the common sense or "people do the strangest things" variety. I really miss reading interesting things and talking about it -- or not so interesting things and marvelling about the sheer amount of bullshit that fell out of people's mouths. The classroom when it was on was always an experience.

Surprising Things That Have Happened To Me Since I've Been Back In Town:
1. Social claustrophobia. I think I've reached the oversaturation point with a lot of places and things. I'll admit that in a way I limited myself by deciding that I was most interested in hanging out below St. Marks and 2nd Avenue yet above Delancey and Essex with occasionally jaunts to the far West 13th and 14th Streets. I figured at the time there are literally hundreds of places within that area, how could I possibly get bored? Very easily. I naturally expanded that area and at times simply found something better to do than going out, but I'm definitely sick of seeing a lot of people and I don't even know them. But, there is the flip side to that...
2. Social currency just for being a familiar face. That's how I made my Sapph Friendsters actually, by being the quietish girl who always showed up and slowly became a part of the crowd. Saturday night hanging out with Hani, I convinced him to go with me to 416 since I've been spending way too much time there spending all my freaking money. We got to the door where the list girl and the bouncer were double-teaming everyone standing there to turn them away. I found myself getting sorta nervous. I mean, who the hell I am? Some kid, so I figured I was about to get embarrassed. Instead, the girl turned to me with a smile and said, "come right in" because she knows my face. And I gotta admit I was mad gassed. Score for me!
3. Occasionally being in the right place at the right time. I'll admit I'm a random magnet. Apparently I give out that vibe to people that whatever they can throw out there isn't that surprising and they're usually right. I've been on a serious roll in the past couple of months. There was getting involved with The Closet literally the day after I hit town or the start of my media "career." Discovering Man Man! Meeting Rissa and apparently knocking myself into Shady's orbit (unfortunately). And not to mention all the swag I've gotten. The spoils include concert tickets, TV show tapings, a designer bag, makeup, CDs, t-shirts, magazines, headphones, money, and the ego boost is always nice. Sometimes it's good to be me.

Why I Love The Internet:
1. I don't know how I would've survived two extra months in Middletown or even the truly jobless months here in NYC without it. Naturally, I could've gone off and pounded the pavement or whatever, but it's so much more enjoyable procrastinating/being depressed in your PJs in the comfort of your own home.
2. Friendster made my life a whole lot more interesting. Through cold bookmarking/messaging and friend of friends connections, I met Farmer, Grandmastah H and Jenny while also reconnecting with folks I had lost touch with. It totally transformed my social life along with...
3. The blog. It's about 7 months old now, though I've had a web site in one form or another for about 3 years. It's amazing to me all the time that people are interested in what I have to say and I love some of the tentative friendships I've made with this. In a lot of ways, I still intend it as something for me and my friends to read and comment on and it's always cool when someone who doesn't even know me can appreciate it. It's growing and developing all the time partially because I always feel so inspired by what other people are doing. The blogs I link are those I read all the time. People out there are doing some really great stuff. I'm really just a nerd, man. It doesn't take much for me to sit here at my computer all the time and post shit. I'm just glad you like me to go all Sally Field. Thanks for reading!

Roundup Part 2

2003 was a very good year. I can say that with strong feeling. I mean, natch, there was bad shit sprinkled here and there, but I feel more often than not happy, proud, fulfilled, hopeful, and light.

I had two main goals this time last year: the yearbook and leaving Middletown with my piece of paper (which included doing my senior essay). I didn't have to leave NYC over four years ago at all. I could've been at Hunter College with my full ride, maybe striking out and getting a place, working and being close to home. It's not like Connecticut was even that far. I originally wanted to go to Chicago or California or Minnesota. But, I felt an instant connection to Wes on my visit and I was determined to go. My years there, I doubted myself almost all the time. I felt disconnected, burned out, unhappy, and depressed a little too often. Then, I took on that yearbook knowing that I had unhealthy control freak tendencies and my folks looked on with mostly silent worry. Over the months, there were mild panic attacks, tears, too many days of burying myself under the covers, hiding in the office or my room, not going to classes, not doing anything. The yearbook was in disarray. I had 40 books for my essay but no words. I wasn't doing my work. In April, I was out of energy, ready to pack up and leave with everything just dangling. But, I stayed. I reached out. I got the support I needed. I owe that last month and a half to my friends and family. They pushed, pulled, walked me towards the finish line. They infused me with so much energy and reminded me that I, the procrastinator, the avoider, the slacker, was more than that. It all boiled to me having gone too far mentally and spiritually to give up. So I didn't and nothing will ever take that great feeling of coming out on the other side away from me.

I rang in 2003 in a strange way, surrounded by blasts from the pasts and one great friend who I hadn't seen for way too long. I was having a lot of problems letting go of Mr. Sailor yet I threw myself into mindless diversions for the sake of progress. I spent the first half of the year taking two steps forward and three steps back, getting crushed under the weight of my baggage. I wouldn't have said this at the time, but those extra months up in Middletown finishing the book was a good time for me. I did a lot of transitioning up there in between the hardcore bullshitting and creating something great. I got to take last looks at many of the places that had been backgrounds for so many stories and episodes. I could appreciate the beauty of the place and reconcile myself with the setting. I made my peace with Wes and Middletown. I settled the nostaglia that would've probably eaten me alive otherwise. I gave myself a clean break.

This year, I retrieved my poor little heart, wrapped it up tight, gave it some medicine, and it healed and feels better than ever. There was a time not so long ago when I thought on a daily basis that maybe I wasn't meant to be happy. I felt like I was under a curse last year with things I threw myself into turning into shit before my eyes. I grew up and learned how to stop taking myself so fucking seriously this year. I've tried to let a certain sense of lightheartedness power most of my relationships. If I would've met Farmer in what seems like my other life, I would've obsessed about him to death, wrote bad poetry, spent hours and hours writing pages about him in my journal. I would've convinced myself I was in love with him and our back and forth drama was too much to bear and driving me insane!!! Please. If I'm gonna be with a bad boy nowadays, at least I'm not going to get all overwrought about it. But, I think I'm enjoying nowadays not being with anyone. As easily as this might be to misinterpret, I love me. I'm over selling myself short because I'm in love with being in love/like. I like to think of myself as blissfully single, awaiting a surprising jolt and possibilities.

I also love NYC. I love the brashness, energy, mixtures, concrete, movements, and people. This is a city that can eat you alive if you let it. There's always someone offering something with the price and consequences to be revealed later. It's been so exhilarating for me to be in the place I grew up, this mad sprawling metropolis, with my perspective and positioning so different. You've gotta have heart for this city. An iron will. Belief in yourself. A loose plan. A collection of goals. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. I'm just getting started. I feel fresh and new here. My head is screwed on straight, my eyes are clear. I'm going to make it. That's the mode I'm in for the New Year.

Fair Warning

I'm on a heavy "what has this year been about IMO" kick, you know, like everyone else. The next couple of days will be heavy on what 2003 meant to me: roundups, pics, plus some resolutions. It's gonna be hella boring to most I'm sure. More Me, Me, Me! than usual. You can take this week off. It's okay. Happy '04 to ya!

Nuggets

An article that sums up just about every thought I ever had on the woman (it's Salon, so make with the Day Pass):

I'd always found what happened to Monica Lewinsky very sad on a personal level. It was as if she became a burlesque embodiment of all of the nightmare fears of my own phylum: the young urban woman.

What if all our potential bosses never saw past our sexuality or took us seriously? What if our professional aims -- even when backed up by experience and ambition -- were ridiculed? What if we were made to pay for youthful indiscretions with early-onset spinsterhood? What if unseen forces monitored everything we put in our mouths and then called us fat? What if men liked us just because we gave head? What if someone snapped our picture as we stumbled, hung over, to get tampons on Sunday morning? What if by exhibiting sexual confidence in our 20s we had inadvertently barred ourselves from a future that included fulfilling work and love and kids if we wanted them?

Even at my age, I worry about the unspoken flip side to the gloss of Sex And The City and Living Single.

What does it mean when Kelis, a woman who became famous for her uncontrollable colored afros and burning-bed anthems, poses like a typical Herb Alpert sexpot on her second album?

Yeah, really. That's what I was thinking when I saw the album cover. I'm off to listen to my Wanderland mp3s.

And to just be completely random, I still love the hell out of Girlfight. Fighting tomboy power!

"My favorite part of my body is my brain. I think no matter what my body looks like I wont be satisfied unless I know how to use it."

Michelle Rodriguez is the shit! As is Karyn Kasama. I hope she can make another film unlike Leslie Harris who did another fave.

Thoughts From A Music Binge

There are so many songs that I would love to just strip verses from and just leave instrumentals and choruses. "Change Clothes" and "Superstar Part 1" for example. I actually like those songs but the music and the choruses make them for me. Is it possible to buy something like that?

Spoke N' Heard is just about my favorite show, probably because I so rarely watch TV and it's all fresh to me. Fab 5 Freddy was on one tonight. I love him! Videos were my lifeblood at one point. I remember so well watching Video Music Box on Channel 31 and the early days of Yo! MTV Raps. Seeing him reminded me when I was a kid, trailing after my uncle with his giant boombox. Listening to Nice and Smooth and Heavy D and Chubb Rock and Salt N' Pepa and BBD. Putting the posters from Right On on my wall. Those are good memories. I snickered though when he said that 2003 was one of the weakest years in hip hop he's ever seen. I really had forgotten how much I like MTV2. Also funny was Questlove saying about the Roots: "A rap group that's gone 13 years without a dance hit is kinda suspect."

The Christmas season reminded me that I basically have four songs I never get tired of hearing: TLC's "Sleigh Ride," Bing Crosby/David Bowie's "Little Drummer Boy," Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," and Jose Feliciano's "Feliz Navidad." And definitely Stevie Wonder's "What Christmas Means To Me" too, but that's due to Old Navy subliminal marketing more than anything.

My absolute favorite album bought on my recent buying frenzy is Prefuse 73 Extinguished. It's so utterly fantastic. Truthfully, I didn't like One Word Extinguisher on my first listens. I played it on my show (*sniff*) and everything, but I didn't have to run out and get it or become instantly obsessed like I was with Vocal Studies or even '92 vs. '02. Now, I've reassessed One Word and I like it too. It's quite the Mama's Gun situation...with a new album instead of a chance video viewing changing my mind.

As a part of my end of the year mental roundup, I was remembering that an unfinished thing bugging me is the unwritten interview I did with Alex. One day, we sat in my room in the Cake House For Midgets sitting in front of my headset mic and it ended up being this half hour conversation about music and inspiration. I've gotta write it up. Maybe I'll even post it.

Damn, I want the Chili Peppers Greatest Hits album really badly. The only problem with watching a lot of music shows are the music infomercials. You hear all the songs you like and think "hmm...I should get that...or at least download it." That's why I'm currently blasting Bob Seger's "Strut."

Looking Backwards With Downcast Glance

Hmm...blog gets a cop investigated by internal affairs [via Diesel Nation]. What I find especially fucked up is that's the police station I grew up across the street from. I suppose it's ENY corruption month since while trying to google the old news of my ex-elementary school principal having been arrested for embezzlement back in the day, I stumbled on this winner. Google is interesting tool in general having also come across this old newsletter from a city council rep with an interesting neighborhood demographics breakdown. I've driven through my old neighborhood and noted the shiny new strip malls; taken the A/C and noticed white people getting off a little bit later every time; read the paper and noted that apartments in houses across the street from Cypress are going for $1300+. But, I also read/watch the news and feel like it's still the '80s/90s and East New York is the last frontier, reduced to soundbites like "one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in NYC." The kids and the people going about their lives are still dodging bullets and getting leftovers when they get anything at all. I'd like to say that by escaping when so many do not I've moved onto a bigger and better place, but being that I live in Jamaica, sited in there (almost moreso), not quite. I just feel depressed noting that for so many here in NYC, nothing really changes. Here's to me counting my moving pennies and lamenting the state of the world.

As an aside, I also stumbled across a great addendum to the other day's nuggets. I love Bad Samaritan and I never saw that one before. That tells me I need to go through the archives.

Repeated Throughout The Day

Life's not a bitch
Life is a beautiful woman
You only call her a bitch
Because she won't let you get that pussy
Maybe she didn't feel y'all shared any similar interests
Or maybe you're just an asshole who couldn't sweet talk the princess

Status

Did I really say I planned to redesign everything by today? Ho ho ho...just kidding! We're a go by New Year's thoughNah, forget it. I'm kinda attached to this template now that I've got the logo. It's all I ever wanted really. And as an extra special treat, I'm unveiling the new music section. It really is Christmas, eh?! Download responsibly!

And MT is being kinda annoying to me. There's been about 3 things I've published only to find hours later that they haven't showed up. Hmm...irritating. Which led to automated hilarity from weblogs:

Thanks for the ping, however we can only accept one ping every half-hour. It's cool that you're updating so often, however, if I may be so bold as to offer some advice -- take a break, you'll enjoy life more.

Dissed by an automated message! Burn!

Meanwhile, I'm tinkering with the logo. I apparently got some Photoshop skills for XMas, so I'm experimenting while I know how.

Christmas Musings

Merry Christmas!

I've got two vastly different things on my mind. One is definitely safe for Christmas cheer atmosphere and the other not so much, but I'll hide that under the extended entry.

Listening to Kings of Crunk (a Christmas present), I was thinking that now I really need to learn how to drive because this is an album that made to blasting out of car windows, you know?

But, on the more serious tip...

Sometime around 7am, I found myself on a couch surrounded by various illicit paraphernalia and people lolling about, trying to focus on Carlito?s Way and then King of New York playing in front of me on DVD. The room and apartment was somewhere in Queens and cast in a red glow from the light bulbs around the house. A phone was constantly ringing with people calling to get shit. The quiet kid in the corner with his hat cocked to the side, sincere-looking and trying to strike up a conversation with me in between the haze, would answer it, give them what they wanted and come back to the same spot.

I had a strange moment of clarity minutes after this one kid set a chain of events into motions. He, unable to handle his shit, came into the room in a way that struck me as weird and my first thought was that his hand behind his back held a piece and that I should be prepared to spring away at any moment. I eyed him steadily and suspiciously until he left the room. Then, a few minutes later, I heard him arguing with other guys around the place on the other side of the apartment and I thought of the neighbors calling the cops. I plotted out which shit should get tossed first in case they bust in and realized that I all of a sudden knew instinctively how likely I would be to turn into a Kemba Smith if that happened. He got tossed and that quiet kid and his friend talked for a while that boy was stupid cause in any other situation, he would've "gotten his ass shot in the face or something." I actually looked at what the fuck I was watching and where the fuck I was and was just struck all of a sudden that I just hit a rock to break my fall on the slippery ass slope I've been traveling the past months.

Though no one ever believes it, I grew up in East New York, where I saw people decimated by jail, crime, poverty, drugs, and disease -- and that was just in my family. Though I spent most of my time in my house walls reading books, watching TV, writing, and practicing escapism across the street from the police station, it was impossible to not see the bad always threatening to overtake good people just trying to live their lives. I've been away from there a long time. My parents and most of my family have since moved away to settle in other parts of the city and country. But, if I said I don't remember or know what can happen by being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I'd be lying. In the pursuit -- or rather, the interest of fun and adventure, I've forgotten that I?m the sort of person with an addictive personality and the potentially dangerous habit of finding myself in sketchy situations with sketch people and hanging back observing. Over the past year, I've done more than a few of the "I would never" list things and noted that the first time is tough, but that matters less the more you do it. Last night/this morning, I cast my detached eye on myself and noted bitterly that I really didn't need to go $40,000 in debt to be a stupid nigger caught up in drug shit begging for something to go down. It confirmed a truism that a person is never too smart to be utterly stupid. People, places, and things will drag your ass down in a minute.

The moral of this story is: I'm laying low for Christmas and probably the rest of this year (yeah, the whole week) to figure out where I went wrong and the best way to redirect myself while taking a hard look about the circles I've been running in lately. I've been taking the whole "try things out and eventually you'll find what you like" a little too literally in some aspects. Life's getting a little too fucking grit for my interests right now.

XMas Eve

I am a lazy slacker. At 2pm on Christmas Eve, I haven't even starting my Christmas shopping yet. *whimper* Those crazed holiday shoppers are gonna eat me alive. But, natch, it could be worse. I usually start after 8 when everyone's got the knives out.

Last night, I had a rare outing with Hani, fresh off of killing his 3rd semester. Visiting Rissa at her job and getting killed with sakepolitans. Off to here which is really just a diner crossed with an upscale White Castle with mini-burgers and iron blue jumpsuits. And meeting up with poor Moon, who worked until 10, at K's super excellent show. And the three exhausted muskateers were out by midnight to rest our tired bones. I had a good night's sleep finally! I feel like a new woman...but stll not brave enough to try and battle those crazy people armed with credit cards.

I do need to hurry up and just go actually because I won tix to this via Flavorpill. Merry Xmas to me! I'm a winner, baby!

Happy holidays and good cheer to each and everyone from the Kitty Power corner. And hope I don't get trampled in Toys R' Us. Or run over by a reindeer.

Nuggets

It's been a minute. Shows you what a slow day this is.

Political makeup of the U.S. -- it's not just red and blue [via Alas, A Blog] is hella facinating. The latent sociologist gets such a kick out of this. They even broke it up into democratic and republic potential strategies for success. Good shit.

I was reading and scoffing over this article with Hani yesterday. This is like my worst nightmare. Don't get me wrong: I love the 'rents. Living with Ms. Mommy has been surprisingly non-painful, but imagining doing it for another 10 years makes me want to run away. Leaving the nest is an important personal goal. I don't think I could possibly feel really like an adult until I do. I know plenty of people who stay for a lot of reasons, but it's got about subzero appeal to me.

Last minute holiday gift ideas from Nick. The one thing about potentially ringing in that day at the upstate casa de Mr. Daddy would be the 24 hour Walmart. But, I'm gonna have to go with the negative on regifting liquor even though someone might appreciate that Carlo Rossi Sangria after cursing my cheap ass out. It may be cheap, but it's also tasty!

Poetry/stream of consciousness/goodness from Mobius also of Jakeneck.

Today's favorite site is PressThink [via Corporate PR via the great collection of links at Abstract Dynamics]

I enjoy this ode to "NYC", even in its Manhattan = NYC typical trajectory. The sun does not rise and set on Manhattan (not that I'm necessarily nitpicking with what he's saying). I hate how places that aren't Manhattan are afterthoughts like most people who live there are actually from there anyways. Hip hop was not invented in Manhattan, but in his dispatch he claims it for NYC, while asserting that NYC doesn't have a Target though there are some in the "outer boroughs." While rooting for the Yankees who are in the Bronx, btw. Fuck that elitist bullshit. Sure, Manhattan is great. I won't deny it, but I despise the attitudes of some who live there or venture from wherever in West Bumblefuck, International they are from and implications that if you're not there, you're not anywhere. The communities and treasures of the other boroughs that have long and varied histories of their own. Brooklyn was a larger city than what made up the former NYC of Queens, the Bronx, SI, and Manhattan before they combined. NYC is all the boroughs and all those communities united. I consider myself a child of NYC because I was born and mostly raised in Brooklyn, I live now in Queens, I went to school in Manhattan. I have family in Staten Island and I used to visit the Bronx. I know these streets. I remember landmarks and neighborhoods and events from the present and past. There is no stamp of being a true New Yorker, but one has to respect the areas that are beyond the view of their window because we're all in this place together.

Ugh

I am exhausted from the top of my head to the bottom of my soul. Yet I still have to go out and face the holiday monster. I'm rolling with the anti-cheer from a shitty shitty day. Bah humbug. *whimper*

More to come once the stress level comes back to normal ranges.

Bah. The irony of my longwinded actual posting being erased by a bastard computer does not escape me.

Checks and Balances

This has been a series of days where just about every event had a countereffect I suppose to balance out the results out. Not all excellent though. It's all about luck. *knock on wood* Here's to hoping that the rest of the year plays out well.

After Thursday's ending to my stint as a fashion slave, I woke up eventually Friday with my poor head pounding and called the agency to get some more assignments stat. Candicissima has got student loans and credit card balances to pay down, nah mean? Tomorrow I get to get up obscenely early and be a corporate drone in another part of the same building. Damn, no jeans and sneaks. Gotta drag out the real clothes and shoes. Ah well. All about the money though. And then I got a call back on this ad agency job I had applied for. Did the whole phone interview thing and I've got the formal one set up for January 5th. It's strange how that feels like really far away but in actuality is only 2 weeks. March 9th will be here before I know it. No word back from the internship. To call or not to call? I'm always unsure about those things.

No word from T. *shrug* Had an excellent time doing the lower key hanging out with friends thing this weekend. Friday night was meeting up with Rissa at her job and then persuading Grandmastah H to come join us at the evil 419. While Rissa and I were waiting, who happened to walk by but Shady? This is becoming a pattern I highly dislike. He blah blahed on something as his girl stared passive aggressively before running off to wherever pompous pricks go. Yeah, I've noted my tone becoming more and more hostile when I mention him. I already owned up to my irrational hatred, so I'm well aware.

Anyhoo, I was experimenting with martinis Thursday and Friday. Whew. I need to back away from those. I drink too much to be having things that are straight up alcohol more or less. The mixers keep me from ending up face down. GH even ran a tab so he picked up all the rounds. That's my boy! Poor thing though was a victim to a strange freak accident the next day. He slipped in his bathroom and broke his jaw, ruptured something in his ear, and I think ended up with a mild concussion. I felt more than a little responsible for having him out so late the night before and I've got to admit that's a fear I always have in the back of my mind. That shit is serious, but I spoke to him last night and he should recover soon. He was in the hospital just for the day and is all morphined up. My heart's going out to him.

I ended up hanging with Farmer last night. He was a little too happy to see me which had me defensive at first. I met him and a friend in Astoria at this great dark wood bar. I'm slowly but surely exploring in Queens. I'm liking what I find so far even if I don't if that's where I'll be ending up. Nothing wrong with knowing where you could go in various neighborhoods. I'm building a mental list. They were trashed, I not so much...at first. God save me from whiskey! It's fast becoming the theme of the month. It was one of those nights where our personalities blended well and the atmosphere only helped the good times. The friend and I traded numbers too. Farmer's in town only for a limited time, blowing back off soon after New Year's. It's nice to see him all sunny and relaxed. I wish I was spending my winter days where 60 is "cold." We went off for a middle of the night breakfast next door to this restaurant/club. Packs of guys roamed and my companions asked these dudes at the table near us how the place was. A guy responded: "Great, if you like being surrounded by gross cows and pigs all night." Damn. The snob in me naturally thought, "what the hell do you expect going to a club on Queens Blvd?" but I held it back. I crashed out that way for whatever reason. It's all still too fresh, but no doubt I'll hate myself tomorrow. My favorite part this morning had to be the hangover helping cheeseburger and fries diner delivery. Nothing clears your fuzzy mind like fat and grease. You can quote me on that one.

Holiday Pasttimes

I'll stand by all this drinking if it helps me through these days
(take my love in these small doses)
It takes a long time just to get this all straight
(take my love in these small doses)
I'll showcase on route 7 when i find the right place
(take my love in these small doses)
It takes a long time just to get this all straight
(take my love in these small doses)
In my mind
This is my free time

Screwy Thursday

"Pimpin' ain't easy, but it sure is fun..." -- Young Candicissima 12/18/03

It was one of those days that had the potential to turn bad really quickly. The job I've been working for the past 3 months is over, as I found the day of. My boss's time is done and when I asked if they were going to need me after that, I got the big "nope" with a side of "I'd forgotten about that! Thanks for reminding me!" Sure, no problem...bitch. But, it was also cleaning out the closet of designer wares day and I got a nice new bag (though it's pink, suede, and kinda mini-duffel like I wasn't going to let another opportunity for shit pass me by. Especially since my dear Moon was so upset that I let a pair from this spring line go because I couldn't think of anyone I knew who wore a 5 when they were presented to me. There's always Ebay...or a holiday present for an affiliated girl. Rissa was the lucky one in this case). As well as racking up on makeup as an editor cleaned out her stash. Let me tell ya, people, this is not the half of it. (And while I'm linking Gawker, I worked with her. She's so funny. We got a kick out of almost having the same name.)

Anyhoo, so I was bummed but not too bummed, especially since I gained $150 on crap returns. Woo hoo! Free shit plus extra cash! My kind of day! I went home and had a long good IM convo with Adi, friend from high school in Paris for the semester. We chatted about the old days and avoidance of real life adulthood and made plans to meet up when she gets back. I love how sometimes you can be so out of it and just talk to an old friend and afterwards feel like you've gotten everything realigned. The pimpin quote up top was made to her when she asked me how things were on the romantic front. I have been on a serious roll lately. All smiles in this corner. Not every little adventure is blogged after all.

A call from my Friendster got me out to Sapph where I chilled for a while but was not in the most social mood. I got cornered by her friend high on god knows what who wanted to talk my freaking ear off. Random magnet until the end. The place was getting on my nerves with yet another group taking over the place for some post-office Christmas party "fun." Despite my love of music and atmosphere, I hate crowds. I hate hate hate crowds. I need breathing room. I need space to keep people from stepping on my still fresh sneakers. I need freedom from obnoxious drunks. I think I'm retiring from Sapph until after the New Year. It's lost the charm and newness.

419 is a tool of evil because it has become one of those places where shit goes down. I've gotten into the habit of strolling through there for nightcaps and as a random magnet, having things kick into gear from there. Also, I recently realized that I could buy drinks there with my card and I end up drinking like a fish and running tabs, which always gets me where it hurts later. Plus I hate whiskey, but I always end up ordering and liking whiskey sours in there. It's like my personal opium den or something. This night, I got caught up in the typical way, despite having started off well and having the first drink be cranberry juice. I was on my 2nd sour, considering a 3rd (after having about 4 something or anothers at Sapph. Is there any wonder about why my liver's on strike?), when I saw a kid I recognized.

It was T from Wes, a guy a year behind me. Now, when I was a soph, still a bit of a wallflower before I came up with crazy schemes and The Continental shook me out of the stasis, I had a great big old crush on him. My girls and I arranged a "our favorite frosh" dinner in order to get me a bit closer to my goal, but once there the boy was so absolutely strange and off-putting that I shifted him to the "damned pretty but not pretty enough to make me forget he's dense as hell" box. Over the years, I'd run into him periodically, there'd be a bit of a spark, but never enough to make a difference. This night, he had bounced back from the rough patch he'd been in around April when I saw him last and was looking amazing. And no, I wasn't drunk. We started chatting and were hitting it off. He was completely on-point and I have to say it was a pleasure. To tell you the truth, I'm easy: enthusiasm, flattery, wit, and a bit of alcohol can get you just about anywhere. Anywhere being that I'm liking you. Everywhere involves luck and the alignment of elements in the universe...unless you're Farmer but that's a whole other story. He gave it a good try though...I got the full court press. I was definitely tempted, but another time perhaps. Numbers traded, split up at the subway station, end of story. I don't know how I made it into the subway car with how big my ego was at that point. My 19-year old self was doing cartwheels, but the almost 23 woman took it all in stride. I'm starting to note a strange pattern of running into folks I haven't seen a while and getting the most outrageous passes. Perhaps it's the Kangol. I can never retire it. It's obviously my lucky hat.

Another Break

Taking a bit of a break in case you didn't notice. Excess sauce consumption has led to a semi-permanent brain fuzziness. Shall return sometime during the week bursting with stories.

Meanwhile, martinis and 419 are tools of evil and I keep losing all my scarves. Farmer's back and I'm ambivalent. Boys from the past are coming out of the woodwork left and right. And I'm going to be a good girl until Christmas when I'll reinvent myself as a blogger with a digital camera and new site design. This is being blasted to death in chez Candicissima, along with Alicia feeling like "Ooo," Doujah and his Scorpio flow, more from Kings of Crunk (another Christmas present), and the continuing Outkast obsession. When I'm not listening to the downbeat and/or glitchy glitch. I'm currently in the mood for Savath + Savalas or Dabrye.

The present low brain power pasttime of choice is prowling Friendster. It's a shame how many people I dislike are running around on there. I need to send out mass invites to the people I like not up with that. Then again, the technical difficulties are getting unbearable. I might have to retire for real this time.

Progress

I've been experiencing a period of self-doubt. I have them often especially with the self-imposed deadlines coming and going without some sort of progress on my end.

This week has been a little different though. I watched my money horde dwindle to an uncomfortable amount and got a bank statement that read like a novel because it was so thick. Christimas time means present buying, but I'm lucky that my immediate family is small and we're not a gifts crazy sort. Like I said before, the job is finishing up. The year is over for all intents and purposes. I'm trying to give myself a last minute kick in the ass, so next year I can coast to my birthday.

I came to the realization the other day that I basically fucked up in school because I haven't had any internships in what I'm looking for, which is practically required, so I decided to try that route. Paid because Candice is not independently wealthy (anymore). I got a bite almost immediately and today was the interview. I think it went amazingly well. I was there for hours meeting everyone, including the girl I would replace, and I was really buoyed by that. It's not a lot of money, but I could live on it. As I managed to in college when I worked all the time for little money....oh, yeah, I didn't actually pay my bills then. Uh, scratch that. It felt good to realize that these past six months when I've felt like I was spinning my wheels, I've picked up skills/experiences that make me look good. I'm all about bigging myself up finally. It only took months. I find out the outcome of that soon since the holidays are speeding here and all. Of course I want it, but I think it gave me some confidence and momentum regardless of how it works out.

2004 is going to be big I've decided. I'm going to officially start promoting with my Friendsters and I think that's gonna be fun. Because I talked so much shit about that DJ competition that still pisses me off, I need to get myself in gear on the equipment. Vinyl is no problem. I've been mentally crate digging for years. I was talking Jay's ear off about that while waiting for the show taping to start Saturday. I miss my radio show so much. It's impossible to describe. In the midst of doing it, I operated on edge yet it always came together. Mr. Sailor made the mistake once of sitting in and he almost got a limb torn off. Now keep in mind that I'm an artist and I'm sensitive about my shit, in full effect. I made good shit out of disorder and chaos. The freaking yearbook was the same way. It's how I work, unfortunately occasionally.

Speaking of shit I'm sensitive about, I've found my writing coming back into my mind heavily out of sheer jealously really. Shady, the fucker, is getting writing credits all over the place and it's driving me absolutely insane. Ridiculous, huh? I don't care. More people should admit to their irrational feelings of hatred. It keeps you healthy. I don't feel as if I'm in a contest with him, but as passionate as I am (was) about my writing, I'll be damned if he leaves me in the dust. And there it is. I spied this little call on Nerve. I could rock the hell of that. And, boy, do I have material! I dragged my personal out of inactivity just for researching and creative purposes and I got two responses already. Any fun generated out of that will be strictly for personal amusement purposes. All work and no play makes Candice a dull girl.

Quickie

Don't you hate it when you pick up stupid dances? Through dancing with the one non-dancing ass girl who tends to hang out where I do, I've picked up her stupid semi-on the beat shuffle. Ugh. It's like my go-to non-effort dance now. It makes me look like I've got no rhythm at all. You can be a black (wo)man and lose all your soul indeed.

Listening to "I Don't Give A Fuck" today is making me want to go mosh or something. I blame the concert from the other night for putting it in my head. Fucking cable. I'm too impressionable...except when it comes to Kanye West. I saw the "Through The Wire" video. I'm not trying to hate, but I just can't help it. Not feeling it AT ALL. Sorry, Rome. And,

So the question must be asked : is the N.E.R.D. album better than the Outkast album? More specifically is N.E.R.D better than Dre 3000s album?

I don't think so. I like the original In Search Of (the more "electronic" one) slightly better so far, but The Love Below beats the fuck out of the subpar "rocky" ISO that I really could not stand.

Song Of The Week

I've never ran from no one, but I'm terrified of you
See my heartbeat is a slow one, but I'm terrified of you
I've been around for ages, but I'm terrified of you
Done my thing across the stage, but yet I'm terrified of you

I wait my whole life to bite the right one

Then you come along and that freaks me out

So I'm frightened...Dracula's wedding

The correct lyrics of this are practically impossible to find. Memo to all transcribers: "Van Heusen?" Come on, Dracula's nemesis is not a clothing company, but Van Helsing. Oy. Go see the freaking movie when it comes out. Plus they all forgot the "fangs" "states" line (I had to get that interpretation corrected by the liner notes. Woo Xmas swag!). No respect for a funny little song.

New Initiative

The other week at the job, I got the word I've been dreading hearing for a while now: my boss's term is almost up and by extension, so is mine. Eek. To say that I've been stepping up the job search will be one of the last great understatements of the year. I made a pact with myself about a month ago that I unfortunately didn't fulfill, but the motivation has been there. Or rather, my biggest complaint before was that I didn't have money and couldn't get whatever that I needed or some shit (read: Candice stonewalls herself with ridiculous excuses for being lazy) and now that I do (or did until I took care of things that asked for it), I needed a way to keep myself in money.

PrincessNella threw me a bone after months just realizing that I'd be interested in working in magazine once I said it, despite being you know, a writing sort, that's umm...working at a freaking magazine site and in the ten years or so we've known each other, knowing that this kinda thing is up my alley. Geez. Apparently a sister of a friend works at the same magazine that my boss used to work at. So, I got the girl's email and now I'm fretting nervously about exactly what to say in it. Perhaps I should follow P. Diddy's example and just unabashedly namedrop. I mean, fuck, what does it matter? Gotta pull out all the stops. A kid wants to move in February.

Music Notes

I've always gotten a kick out of the differences between radio edits and album versions. A couple of years ago, Mr. Daddy was in a heavy hip hop instrumental loving phase before he turned into an old fogie. He went out and bought Black Rob and Busta Rhymes and Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz because he liked the beats on the radio and then had his mindblown when he listened to the albums. "It's all curses...I can't stand this filth," he said at the time. Tonight, enjoying the brand spanking new cable and feeling like watching TV for a change, I happened upon Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz at the Hard Rock Cafe on MTV2. It's hilarious to hear patches of silence all over the place because just about every other line is too hot for MTV. And seeing Orlando's little white boys and girls throwing up their signs is cute too.

I had my first exposure to Kanye West the other week in my sneakers quest. I don't listen to the radio or watch many videos, so I'd heard the name but not the music. Perhaps it was my frame of mind at the time (Candicissima + frustrated + hungry = a bitch on wheels), but my first response was: "what the fuck is this shit and turn it off?" Then, at the Thursday Chappelle taping, he and Common were the musical guests performing "The Food." Asstastic. The stupidest chorus I ever heard. It gave me a headache seriously. I know at least one of my links is a major fan. I'm actually willing to change my mind on this one since I admit that I don't know, but as for now, he's getting the gasface in a major way.

I've been listening to Doujah Raze since I discovered him via Friendster connections. I'm getting a kick out of him (and I'm not just saying that to be a friendster seeking suckup) and I might check out a show. That's what I love about NYC. There's so many shows going on that you can hear about a group from a random ass place and you might as well go see them since it's like $10 or less. I've spent more than that for a drink and was a lot less entertained. I'm also appreciating Fluxblog now a lot more than I could last week since I can download the songs in seconds compared to hours.

It also reminds me that since I bought the domain I wanted to have a section where mp3s are available -- if only so people would know who the hell I'm talking about half the time. It's coming with the major redesign soon.

Of Sitting and Cigarettes

Browsing Friendster Friday night, I saw a post from Jay asking if anyone wanted the extra tickets he had to a Chappelle's Show taping. I jumped for it, mostly to give K a second chance at it since he missed out Thursday. Alas, it wasn't to be, but I went anyways and had a fun time at the show and hanging out. That brings my grand total of potential appearances to 3. If you see a girl with a Kangol and a black sweater or a super bright ass dark blue one covering her face with her hands and looking like she's about to die from laughing in an ep, it's probably me. Thanks again, Jay!

I ended up going to Sapph a lot more than I would've liked this weekend. I need another weekend destination. I really can't stand being there. This one was especially bad with it seeming like all the corporations having their holiday party afterparties there. I was getting trampled with my pretty new sneakers despite staying as close to the wall as I possibly could. Fuckers. I can't stand a sloppy drunk and a roomful of them in your face wasn't fun. Then again, haxards of hanging out in a you know, bar, so take this complaining with a grain of salt.

What was good about being there was that I'm getting my promoting stuff all set up. In a few weeks, I'll be official. Meanwhile, the soon to be partners are introducing me around and integrating me in their circle. I'm looking forward to getting it off the ground.

Last night, Rissa and I ended up crossing signals and I went off to 419 to hang in a more sedate environment after feeling like I was gonna snap when the umpteenth bitch busting out of her clothes got in my face with her breath reeking of alcohol to ask me if I was waiting in line for the bathroom. Though it's ridiculous and will get me in the poorhouse faster, I'm beginning to like places where I can buy a drink with my card without being forced to have a tab mininum and drink 4 because I'm too lazy to pull out money. A bad sign for the night was that I was in the mood for whiskey sours. As I've said, I hate whiskey. And for the record, I don't like beer either, but I've reached the state that if the night is wearing on and I'm on a bender, I'll get one because I hate the stuff and it'll slow me down. That pretty much backfired because I inhaled it and bought another one. Oops.

Proving myself as a random magnet, I got to talking with this kid. He looked vaguely familiar to me and I couldn't figure out why. Then it hit me, he's like the doppleganger of Shady, albeit better looking and less of a pompous prick. To be on the safe side, I asked he was related/knew him. I've had quite enough of connections randomly leading to that guy, thanks. Thus began the descent into the randomness with too many cigarettes (I still smell like an ashtray over 12 hours later) and a surprise text message giving me instructions to an afterhours at this swingers' club/supposed Sopranos-style people hangout (that's gonna be hell to explain if I ever get into politics) in Midtown and somehow waking up in the mid-afternoon in Hoboken. Sorry, no more details than that, except for the fact I've now got "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" stuck in my head. But believe me, it's a doozy and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

The one thing that worried me was realizing I was wearing my new sneakers in fucking blizzard type conditions. I considered putting plastic bags over my feet, but I resisted the urge and luckily I spent most of my time underground. Outside, I hopped about quickly and ran for cover. How the fuck would I clean canvas mixed with leather if I got them dirty anyways? This is really looking like a questionable purchase.

Nuggets

This has been strangely hard to get around too. Probably because I haven't been at the computer for more than an hour at a time besides 3am when I'm tired. That'll all change tomorrow once TW gets their ass in gear and installs the cable tomorrow. Yay!

Funny shit from this week's Black List:

THOSE COMMERCIALS WHERE SOMEONE GETS A CAR AS A PRESENT: It's December, and that can only mean one thing: the reemergence of those commercials where someone gets a car as a present. You know the commercial. The couple is sitting inside on a snowy Christmas morn, sipping hot chocolate and frolicking in the wrapping-paper remnants of another great year of gifting. After a quick giggle, the perky brunette wife coyly presents the totally clueless husband with a single, silver key. They scurry out to the driveway where the husband finds a fully loaded Lexus wrapped in a giant red bow. "Merry Christmas, honey," the wife whispers as the husband stares at the $60,000 whip. What a great Christmas. The part we don't see on TV, though, is ten seconds later when hubby realizes his dumbshit wife just handed him a $600 monthly car payment. "How the fuck am I supposed to pay for this?" he screams as wifey slinks back inside. "There's a reason I drive a goddamn Tercel, bitch!" Pure holiday magic.

Nice review of Tupac:Resurrection connecting 2Pac's music to something larger than just fodder for Billboard and video music charts. [via O-dub via Zentronix] Also brings to mind the question: is there a music writer today without a blog? It's brilliant. All somebody needs to do is make a group one and that would be the ultimate.

Abe dropping a potentially fun and satisfying pasttime on Abstract Dynamics.

Over at Aeki Tuesday, Jenny created a nice Whitney & Bobby timeline. The one part I've gotta disagree with is a simple "Made some records" for Bobby. He was the shit with Don't Be Cruel and all that. Even the "Humpin' Around" era had some good songs and "Something In Common" was a nice duet, even if everyone was pretty "WTF?" about them at the time. And he's made some movies: that bit part in Ghostbusters 2 to coincide with "On Our Own" on the soundtrack plus he was funny in A Thin Line Between Love And Hate. I know all that and he wasn't even my favorite New Edition member. That would be Ralph.

And I thought this story was really sad. You would think that the things he are saying are so basic and fundamental that everyone would be saying it, but politics in this country are fucking travesty. I feel bad that I'm so cynical because my immediate thought is that it's nice to see him swinging moderately progressive now but will he be singing the same tune if he wins the nomination or if the pressure from minorities and progressives are lessened? Still, I enjoyed the read.

A Month Ago

A just released pic:

A bit of splicing liberty on the part of B. And no, that's not my bra, it's a tank top. I was experimenting with layering. And that's Farmer looking like an alien.

End of the Week

This has been a long ass week. Probably because I've been averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night. I'm beat, super beat...so beat I might stay in for the weekend. Haha. Yeah right!

I've officially tired of shopping. Especially since I seem to be an asshole about it. I go into these blackouts and buy all this shit that I just have to return a few days later. Those 3 1/2 inch pumps that I will kill my simple self trying to walk in? Gone. That blazer that just isn't made for a girl with a substantial ass? Gone. Fucking pleated skirt like I even wear fucking pleats. What was I thinking? Gone. My fly ass coat can stay. I made out like a bandit on that one for cheaper than Bluefly. It makes me feel like a grown-up.

I felt not so much like a grownup sending an email to myself with the subject line "Squee!" and writing inside a number I got with another "squee."

I Will Not Get Another Hopeless Crush. I Will Not Get Another Hopeless Crush. I Will Not Get Another Hopeless Crush.

But, at least those are fun. All the excitement with none of the responsibilities and potential fallout. It also lead me to realize that I'm a sucker for a good phone voice. The person whose number I got off the caller ID got me with that low "what's up with you, girl" type inflection. Farmer was good for that too. Good phone gets you everywhere, as does a little bit of mystery. I'm a real big sucker for the reserved yet sharp ones. I just end up being a sucker a lot, despite always knowing better. Live and learn I suppose.

PrincessNella and I went to the Chappelle's Show taping last night. He's one funny fucker. I should be all in the camera laughing myself stupid with the Kangol cocked to the side as usual. Sometimes I do almost sleep in that thing because I forget it's on. I'd make a change but I haven't been grabbed by anything. Those engineer caps don't really fit me -- probably the one fucking hat that doesn't. Maybe I'll recycle the fedora or rather, since it's cold, invest in another brightly colored hat I can pull down. People used to be able to spot me all the way across a field with my electric blue hat. I miss it.

Also...

After searching high and low for those Tigers, I ended up getting them at the same (and only) place I saw them in the size I didn't want in the first place. Ah well. I also realized that there are puddles all over the place, so perhaps tan colored canvas shoes aren't the best idea for the winter.

But, I have the sharpest new blazer and I wore my kicky new boots and felt super stylish and tall today. Plus my hair is straight (temporarily), so I feel like a new woman. And I look amazingly good this week too. Excuse me while I go kiss the mirror. Call me Narcissa. A kid's gotta amuse herself.

Roundup Part 1

Not all actually new per se, but new to me.

Albums That I Wore Out in The Year 2K3:

The Sea and Cake, One Bedroom
Cassius, Au Reve
Justin Timberlake, Justified
Interpol, Turn On The Bright Lights
Blue Six, Beautiful Tomorrow
Red Hot + Riot: The Music and Spirit of Fela Kuti
50 Cent, Get Rich or Die Trying
Donnie, The Colored Section
The Flaming Lips, Fight Test
Nas, God's Son
Doves, The Last Broadcast

Songs That Made The Head Nod and Feet Dance:
Lil Jon & The Eastside Boyz, Get Low
David Banner, (Get Down) Like A Pimp
Strafe, Set It Off
Raze, Break For Love
R. Kelly, Thoia Thiong (Harlem Globetrotter Remix) & Step In The Name of Love & Ignition (the various remixes). Bless his pedophilic heart, the man can make the hits.
Snoop Dogg, Beautiful
Kelis, Milkshake
Pharell and Jay-Z, Frontin
Freeway, Flipside
Greens Keepers, Dixie Gan
The Faint, The Conductor (Thin White Duke Remix)
Club 69, I Look Good
Laid Back,White Horse
Syleena Johnson, Guess What
A Band of Bees, Angryman
Groove Armada, Easy
Shaun Escoffery, Days Like This
Outkast, Hey Ya
Joi, Tacadin
702, I Still Love You & Star

Also Liked This Year:

Turin Brakes, Blackalicious, Lil Kim, Missy Elliott, 1 Giant Leap, The White Stripes, Shuggie Otis, Elbow, Ed Harcourt, Richard Ashcroft, Craig David, Kinky, Jody Watley, Muse, Coldplay, Vivian Green, Erykah Badu, The Beatnuts, Trans Am, Nightmares on Wax, Jurassic 5, Jill Scott, Mariah Carey (and color me hella surprised)

All About In 2K4

Basement Jaxx, Kish Kash
Lisa Shaw
Gemma Hayes
Man Man
Aesop Rock
Dabrye
Ely Guerra
Speakerboxxx/The Love Below
VHS or Beta

Fed Up

A phenomenon I know well from school is when the level playing field you've naively convinced yourself that everyone is playing on is revealed to be a sham. That realization comes usually after a random conversation in which people reveal exactly what their parents do for a living. It's always the most hardcore anti-capitalists who are the offspring of someone big time. It was always funny how they could be semi-ashamed yet blasé about it at the same time.

"Yeah, my mom's a district court judge" "My dad's a nuclear physicist." "My mom's a diplomat." "My mom's a museum curator." "My dad's a professor and social theorist."

"Umm...my dad's a printer and my mom works for the court." "Is she like a lawyer?" "No." In my senior year of high school, a group of us were sitting around talking about our parents' jobs for a moment in the context of financial aid for school and all that and I have to admit I felt relieved when everyone else had parents with "regular" jobs. But, this one girl said that her father told her not to tell people that he was "just a mailman because everyone else's parents had all those fancy jobs." I gave a flip response at the time: "That's ridiculous. It'd make more sense not to tell people now because everyone might be hitting you up for a postmark."

As the news has jumped on the blogging bandwagon, there has been a steady stream of fawning press anointing certain bloggers as media royalty. "They're so snarky!" "They're so urbane!" "The second coming of Dorothy Parker and her circle!" I mean, that's cool, because when I say I have a blog now that means people have half a clue of what I mean and might even think I say something witty and intelligent on a semi-regular basis. But, it's kicked up the consolidation of "those that matter" and the rest of the plebs up exponentially. Someone compared the whole thing to the formation of a high school clique. That's a natural metaphor to make because there are few things in NYC that aren't designated by cliques. The young and hip in the city are drawn together in loose formations due to jobs, pedigrees, degrees/alma maters, and interests, as well as proximity to those "cool" places and things. Cliques are by nature insular and exclusive, dominating their surrounding spheres. At first, I found it interesting to read some blogs and see links to other blogs of similar nature and as I read, get clued in to inside jokes and the like, but lately it's over the top. Parties described as virtual who's who of who's in with so many links back and forth that they might as well just have a fucking group blog and give it a rest. The general social/media world snark even lost some of its bite when it was revealed that they were about as insider as it could get.

But, what really pissed me off was yesterday's post on Gothamist about blogging rules. Now, I love Gothamist. It's a fantastic read, filled with interesting NYC specific roundups and an amusing attachment to Law and Order, food, and panda bears, but fuck them. Who died and made them the blog police? It would be bad enough if they just put that out there and it was whatever, but the subsequent comments chiming in "you guys are so right! *ass kiss, ass kiss*" really made me sick. Especially since most of them came from their freaking cronies anyways. The supposedly wonderful thing about the internet is that any old person theoretically can have a blog and talk about anything they want -- as profound or inane as that might be. But, it's becoming more and more obvious all the time that the web is just as liable to monopolization by a select group of gatekeepers as any other segment of society. I couldn't give a fuck about what they feel a good blog should do, i.e. to be like them. Variety is the spice of life and last time I checked, there are millions of other blogs operating outside their zone that would suffer to follow those methods. Isn't it wonderful that I can agree to disagree all I want and the world won't stop moving?

Thus concludes the rant brought about just because I felt like it.

Subway Quiz

You are fun, freewheeling and fast-paced. You don't
only spot the latest trends; you set them. A
free spirit, you're not afraid to wander out to
Coney Island with your friends for a bit of
surrealistic fun.


Which New York City subway line are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

[via Liminal Liberal]

I do indeed spend most of my time on the F, though the E is closer. F/V...goes everywhere I want to go.

Dating Tangent

A nice piece of advice from Abstract Dynamics. I'll add if you're 5'6" or below, wear the high shoes so they can see you because those shows also seem to be populated by giants. (That reminds me of my early Friday adventure trying to see Battle Graphs. Memo to all show organizers: if you've got something that you know everybody's gonna want to see/free booze to draw people, maybe you should get a bigger space because the sardines in a can shtick is getting old, nah mean? Or perhaps it's just me. I hate crowds and being jostled and all that shit. Quickest way to ruin a venture for me is too many mofos in my personal space. Strange for New Yorker, eh? I don't care. I need room for my well-being.) Reading this week's Life As A Loser and talking to Hani reminded me of thoughts that have been floating around in my head since Thursday or thereabouts.

A while ago I said something about wanting to settle down...it's not worth linking since I make many conflicting proclamations about that sort of thing. Basically, the impulse has passed. Guys are currently in the "too distracting" category and besides my track record is way more hit than miss. It'd be nice don't get me wrong, but I don't have it in me to make the effort. Seriously, dating in this city is fucking tiring. I was saying to Hani that this being NYC, world crossroads and all that, you've got millions of people milling about knowing damned well that the best, the brightest, the ______est are everywhere. In the same way that people have to have the latest shit or go to the coolest parties, even when they decide to take the plunge to be actively interested in finding their person, they're still thinking, "Eh...they're alright I guess, but I'm sure there's someone _____er waiting for me if I just keep trying." Or else they settle. I'm sick of settling. I settled with Farmer because the opportunity presented itself and what a fiasco that ended up being.

There's also a certain extent of laziness and conceit involved. I was telling Hani about my passive Friendster techniques and truthfully, I don't do much different in real life. I've grown accustomed to a stream of passes while out and about and it barely registers with me anymore. My stance with someone I'm interested in me not returning the favor: "yeah whatever, there'll be another one coming around the bend any second." It's not even a game, it's more general disinterest. I'm beginning to feel like I've got the permanent "impress me" face. It's interesting to note that I went from feeling like an ugly duckling...or rather, hyperinvisible to this. I'm exactly not sure when the transformation took place, but I suppose surviving a semester of crazy ex-friends and abandonment can change your perspective on a lot of things.

But, to prove I'm not as jaded and cynical as the words I'm putting out there: Thursday night, typical setting. I was hanging around, dancing, chilling, being merry when my Friendster introduced me to a friend of hers. He and I shook hands and he was all "very nice to meet you blah blah" and surprised me with a sudden kissing of my hand. Jolt. If I could blush, I would have. I always surprise myself by being a sucker for a grand gesture. There's a wide-eyed romantic in here somewhere. I guess my pose isn't really "impress me" as much as "surprise me." Is that a little better?

(And as for that guy, we hung out that night and ended up kinda star-crossed. His friend with him was making major plays for me and he backed off considerably as I was torn between making a serious move or sticking to my resolve. It's pointless to sweat things like that really. Situations like that pop up every couple of months or so to tantalize me.)

Late Night Musical Interludes

If I told u baby/That I was in love with u/Oh baby, baby, baby/If we got married/Would that be cool?

Most of my time in the crazy snowfall was spent in a musical haze. Friday night, the head nod music of the crazy Battle Graph atmosphere couldn't keep my head from wanting to explode because of the crazy crush of people. I've been playing Justified in my new Discman while wondering why I even bought it considering I'm making the mp3 player jump soon. *shrug* I like CDs and I have lots, but I can't wait until I can get back that bag space. "Nothin' Else" soothed my nerves along with a brief regrouping at home with chicken and biscuits courtesy of Popeye's before I tried Out And About, Take 2.

As an impulse, I went to meet Rissa of train disaster randomness at her job, this lounge in Chelsea. I used my time waiting to people watch and experiment with a sakepolitan (i.e. a cosmo with sake and plum wine and something else). In a word: slamming. And since I'm on good things I tasted last week, I ventured down to the cafeteria at the job Thursday and for lunch I had this sandwich that was black forest ham, brie, pear slices(!), and lettuce. Fucking awesome but a little too rich. Now I know why fashionistas don't eat!

We wandered down the road to this place I got an invite to over the summer but was too lazy to venture to in case of lameness. We were sitting back and chilling with cocktails and few cigs when I hear this voice approaching saying, "I told the guy to throw you out of my club!" I raise my eyebrow, more intrigued than alarmed and see a friend from Sapph. Apparently, he's had a residency there for two years. Who knew? His partner was another familiar face and we were finally formally introduced. Am I the only weirdo who doesn't consider myself as knowing someone until I've been introduced to them? I'm beginning to wonder. Hearing pieces of the Kill Bill Soundtrack in a lounge was interesting, if only because I have that whistled song stuck in my head...again. Just for kicks we decided to take pics on the E train to Queens. A random fun and silly thing to do. Once they're developed, I've got to post them. The one with us mugging with conductor was classic.

Wearing that gorilla suit/You're trying to scare me but it won't work!

The original Saturday plan was Chappelle's Show, Man Man/Bling Kong, Hollertronix. The taping was cancelled due to the crazy snow, so I spent most of the day in fleece staring out the window apprehensively. I thought to myself: "Hmm...personal safety vs. seeing my present fave group Man Man? I know how this shit works from HS: here in Queens, it's a million feet of snow and in Manhattan, they'll barely be dust." And with that, I was off. I got there around 10:30 when my group was just setting up. Nice! They rocked and there was a decent crowd. I missed a few songs getting caught up chatting in the upstairs bar at Pianos with this random, just for kicks. A similar situation happened at Knitting Factory later. Candice standing around minding her business leads to conversations that flow nicely -- like I've said, I'm a nice person. I'll chat if you don't approach me in some way that's just ridiculous -- until they inevitably say, "What's your name again? I didn't catch it." "That's because I didn't give it." *buzzer* And that's all the time we have for today. Thanks for playing. The later guy did that 3 times (!) cause he thought he was gonna slip me up and have me say it. Sorry, but no. Take a hint, man.

I wandered back downstairs to see them finish up and I ended up chatting up the band and I got a t-shirt. Woo! I never buy show shit, but I love them so I made an exception. And they said that I'm apparently the #1 (read: only) NYC fan besides the record company. Screw that! Man Man rocks! I'll plot the city domination on my end. I've also decided that I love the singer guy and would settle down with him and have a nice life if he'd shave off that damned porn star moustache -- you know, in that not really sort of way. I got a kick out of Bling Kong. You'd think someone else would've thought of what they're doing sooner: a totally over the top spectacle of a cover band with changed lyrics. They cracked me up. "MAKE-OUUUUTTT!" Considering the venue, the crowd was heavy on the yuppie, but seeing them is a good time.

Set it off on the left y'all/Set it off on the right y'all/Set it off

I got to Hollertronix in the middle of The Human Orchestra doing his thing on stage. That was dope. He said he's coming out with an instrumental breakbeats album or something. I'll get that. Have I mentioned that hands down my favorite song on the latest Outkast is the jungle reinterpretation of "My Favorite Things?" Classic ass song set to a breakbeat...what's not to love?! I could play that shit for days. My favorite musical trend of the moment is the hardcore crate digging going on lately. Imagine hearing "Set It Off" and "Break For Love" on the regular. Thursday night at Sapph was off the fucking chain. We were partying like it was '89 hardcore until 5am. Shit I haven't heard since I saw the video once on Video Music Box in '92 and shit . Now that's a party I can recommend 150% just about all the time. Even when the crowd isn't there, the music always is. I even had a moment where I felt like "Honey" (yeah, like from the movie. I saw the free preview with Ant. And what?) because the wack non-dancing girl had commanded the floor and I strolled up and had to blow her back...but not really that dramatically or anything. I guess sometimes clubs are like those wack setups they have in movies. Instead of the Dance Audition That Will Change My Life TM, perhaps I'll get the dream job interview. Yeah, I won't hold my breath for that.

Hazard

Being an intrepid can be tough. That's why in some ways I lucked out finding a home base out there. Last night I had my security kinda shaken.

If you read this blog at all, you know I spend a sickening amount of time at Sapph...usually not on the weekends though because that's when the yuppies invade just about everywhere in the area. Saturdays it's at least amusing to see the DJ all "so, that new Ja Rule is your 'jam,' eh? Bump that! Get a life!" in attitude and occasionally out loud if it's late enough. But, I've been avoiding the place on Fridays because of someone who works there. A few months ago circa late summer, I stumbled in there on a Tuesday evening because I liked the place and was curious to see what went on there on other days of the week. I sat around chilling, chatting with the bartender -- not my friend, but someone else that I recognized from being around. I stayed around so long that he was like, "we're going out for breakfast afterwards you should come" and my reply was "i'd like to but I'm pretty much broke, so I'm gonna pass" and that was waved aside with a "Don't worry about it, I got you." The "we" ended up being "him and I," but I wasn't hearing warning bells or anything so it was cool. We had food and were chatting and it became obvious that I had about subzero in common with him, starting with the fact that he's old(er. Staring 30 in the face if not past it) and not in the same time zone as my type plus to be a music snob, a crappy DJ (another reason why I avoid Fridays there for future reference). Then the convo turned from chill pleasantries to a bit of life away from the club talk and whatever, but I was pretty shocked as shit when he said, "so, you coming home with me now or what?" In my favor, I was nice but firm in the vein of "no, I'm sorry, I've got to get home" instead of "you gotta be fucking kidding!" I went about my business and thought that was that. The next time I ran into him a week or so later, he was in total kick it to me mode and I, still nice, said: "listen, I just come here to chill and we're cool, but I don't want any more than that." He seemed to accept that at the time, but every encounter after that was definitely icy. I'd run into him every once in a while and he'd try to semi-block me at the door on bullshit, but I, believing the whole thing had blown over, would laugh it off and go about my business. But, I never went back on a Tuesday even though that night is dope nor do I subject myself to his shitty spinning.

Last night, I'm sitting at the bar minding my business and he strolls up. I say "hi" and he ignores me, but comes back a few minutes later asking me to buy him a drink. Jay or any of my real life friends can tell you that when I feel like I'm being snubbed, my general friendliness can fly out of the window really quick. So, I replied to him: "why would I do something like that? Don't you work here? We both know you can get shit for free." So, he calls himself going off on me, all "I see how you are. I treated you back then, you owe me." I actually let him provoke me into a semi-argument until I was like "fuck this. Whatever." He slithered off but I was just pissed off the rest of the night. I was gonna tell my friend the bartender or my Friendster the promoter about it, but I just sat in the corner cracking my knuckles for a while until my blood pressure lowered and after awhile, left. It was the final straw in a night that had been kinda shaky because of the shitty weather and trains running stupid.

The episode has been weighing heavily on my mind. Part of me is "see, case in point: don't take shit from anyone because they'll try to pull some shit on you soon or later." There's also me thinking "fuck him and his bruised ego. Just because he thought I was going to hook up with him for whatever demented reason since I was sending out zero signals, I don't owe him a fucking thing because of his subsequent shitty behavior." And I'm also, "perhaps I should've bought him a drink and threw it in his face, that fucking pig!" wth a side of "I should've kicked his ass!" Mostly I'm annoyed because what was happening up to yesterday was a minor annoyance but obviously it's full scale beef now. In the new year, I'm supposed to start promoting there and I go there all the time, so it's gonna make it tough to have to deal with his bullshit. What to do, what to do? One thing is certain about it: if it's this complicated dealing with someone that absolutely nothing happened with, imagine the fallout if something did. He can still kiss my ass though because he doesn't know who he's fucking with.

Back In Business

*stretch* That was a lovely blog vacation...not that I haven't still been on the comp screwing around. It was definitely kept to a minimum though. I've got a few big posts on deck. A fresh roundup, a few gasfaces to put on shout, my fave music from 2003 since everyone else seems to be doing that sort of thing, and a spanking new category to seperate the truly offline concerns from specific complaining.

But, maybe later. Right now, I'm on a Tiger hunt.

A Bit of A Break

I've decided to be on break this week. For no particular reason besides me applying my energy to something else for a change. Mostly because it's hard to shop and be in the house at your computer at the same time...oh, I'm kidding. The shopping bug has passed. I'm mostly on a return spree because some of that stuff bought in the midst of the hysteria just isn't that cute right now. But, don't worry...I'll be back probably over the weekend with brandspanking new content. Maybe some pics. Definitely some snark. And since college taught me to be stalkable, their weekend listings are pretty much where I'll be plus the Man Man show with Jenny. Miss Kitty Power is totally nice and approachable, if occasionally non-photogenic. Peace out.

Soul Charting

You're a natural born trouble-maker. You hate
authority and do everything you can to get
around the law, or in some cases, break it.
Naturally stubborn, you hardly ever sway once a
decision is made. Your nature is fiery and
courageous, and always out-going. You love
attention and usually have kinky fetishes
you're not afraid to explore. People either
love you or hate you.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

[via belle jaune]

Long Weekend Plus Sunday Night Alcohol Equals....

It's been a long weekend. My computer was in the shop and though now I can watch my brand spanking new I'm Gonna Git You Sucka and From Hell DVDs on Helga, I'm also mindful that I spent a grand total of $120 for the pleasure because I'm too dumb to not go around unplugging random things I don't know how to fix. *sigh*

I had a totally Bill moment followed by the bombshells that make those situations uniquely Candicesque. Whenever I'm all "swoon," that means that the other shoe is gonna drop any second or some time will pass before I get an outside wake up call. "Oh, Candice, not another drug addict!" "Damn, Candice, not him! He's a misogynist pig!" "Geez, Candice, not a closet Republican!" It's like a rule: If I've made up my mind to preempitively like him, he's defective...or rather, otherwise engaged. Tonight was the semi-reunion of the international strangers brought together by a city disaster that most people missed in Astoria. I walked through the door and met the older brother of one of my cabmates and I was totally "swoon!" Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. Taken, taken, taken. But then again, I'm resilient and that's cool. He, the group, and I got along on a nice hanging out and chilling level. Besides, I need more guy friends that I haven't slept with and/or witnessed/heard from my stupid mouth about me in compromising positions. Totally great episode. I loved reconnecting with the kids, especially since I felt like we've been playing email tag in limbo since then. We've even made a tentative group date to see Bad Santa. Yay!

New favorite drinks: Bacardi Vanilla and Pineapple Juice and a G&T with a splash of Peach Schnapps. Like heaven, baby. The sours period is over. And I should mention for a (in the capitalist sense) loser, I'm pretty fucking cool: Jay and I are going to a Chappelle's Show taping Saturday. A night when I'll also be enjoying Man Man and Bling Kong with Jenny and perhaps checking out Hollertronix again if I'm up for it. And I so spent too much money during this big sales weekend, but on the good side, I'm set until at least birthday time. I'm still in the 4 digits regardless, so it's all good!