We met when I was a lamb in a mountain goat disguise. He flashed that wolfish smile and I started to shake behind my bravado. I learned how to hide better as time went on.
Lining up on paper doesn't mean jack in real life. I learned to appreciate being grounded and built a poseur meter to see when I was getting out of line.
Sometimes you just have to roll with what feels fresh and interesting at the time. I know now how to guard that Achilles' heel and never let them see me sweat. But, occasionally I admit also to that other L word.
I can barely remember his face as time has passed. Sometimes it's just better that way. I hate that this applies to more than one.
He helped hone my bullshit detector and showed me what I didn't want to be. He taught me to be vigilant about surface relationships and to see behind the flash. It took me a long time to stop being jealous of him and his fabulous life. He made it look so easy until I figured out the secrets.
You can't judge a book by its cover. I learned to fly under the radar while staying in plain sight. It just works better that way.
I've remembered dreams I thought were way behind me on the road with him. It's hard to love and hate and admire and disdain all at once, but it's easier when someone loves you for all your nonsensical inconsistencies too.
It's because of him that I'm hyperskeptical of those who are "down." There's a thin line between honest reverence and objectification. Neither is that appealing.
I may aspire to be more stereotypically normal in comparison to other people I know, but not boring like that. I hate it when they whine.
There's the exciting and vague hint of danger and there's "being with you might get my stupid ass killed." Sayonara, son.
Sometimes you're just so far off track that you need to be jolted back to reality. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am weary, let me rest.
Posted by Candicissima at March 31, 2005 02:32 AM