I'm stuck in a time warp. I simulataneously feel 16, 19, and 23. I blame it on the sorry state of my life in Summer 2004.
I possess 4 main flaws: 1) flightiness 2) an obsessive memory 3) laziness and 4) a short attention span. All of them are highlighted unfavorably in the Farmer episodes. With him, I'm so stuck on some awesome moments from the 2003 era that I forget every rule/ill word I've made about him since and get temporarily sucked back into the maelstrom. Because he's kinda "bad" and that's a lot more exciting than me (my 16-year old self); he's so deep and sensitive, man and you just can't see it like I do (my 19-year self); and fuck it, if I'd rather make my dumbass mistakes now than in my 30s (my 23-year old self). What I have noticed is my progression in fallout reactions. I might've still obsessed for a day (or two or a couple of weeks. Who's really counting after all?), but I'm getting better at shrugging things off as time moves on. It really isn't that deep after all and nothing got hurt but a little ego. Luckily for us all, he's off again to flit about the east coast and midwest for some unspecified amount of time. Perhaps I should just find like a hobby or something before he pops up again. You know, to save Jay-V and Fizzie and PrincessNella and everyone else the grief. I was sure for a while there that they were gonna just take me out and shoot me if I kept mentioning his name.
The real problem is that I'm bored. Everything's so static. I feel like there's been zero haps in the past year and change I've been back in NYC full time (with the months after April being especially brutal) minus money in the back and about 15 extra pounds. Work is the biggest life killer in the fucking world. Though, I'm pretty awesome at it and don't hate it as much now that everything's picked up. (And if I may toot my own horn for a min -- guess who got a perfect score on her review and was basically told that she's top notch and headed for good things in the dept. Moi!) I've been researching the career trajectory and like what I see, but I've still got it in my head that I want to do the writer thing. Then again, what the fuck do I know? I'm the typical confused liberal arts grad.
The summer can be summed up in one word: disappointing. Everything that seemed sort of promising a few months ago either got the brakes thrown on or petered out. I'm still out here in the boons with Ms. Mommy and the cat (one still wandering the mean streets popping up occasionally). Being home has awaken some long buried teenage angst I forgot existed. And I don't only mean the return to grunge that's been going on musically. I've listened to Alice In Chains more in the past 2 months than I have since the '90s. We're still looking at apartments and I'm so utterly over the process. Isn't there some sort of magical genie that can get me a fly 2-br (+) in Long Island City, Fort Greene, Astoria, or "Clinton Hill" for under $1700 without wanting a fee for it also? I mean really!
The nightlife spark really just hasn't come back for me. I'm so glad that I became friends with Fizzie because even though together we only trade off being bad influences and spending up each other's money, neither of us would get out the house and be social otherwise. Plus when it's really terrible out there, nights in with vodka tonics and House Party do just fine. I'm bummed that stuff on the boy/whatever front hasn't panned out. FFPGINOANP and one where stuff was moving painfully slow and not alluded to (much) seem to have run its course. There was a guy I met in the course of running around with my flyers that seemed open and cool that just ended up a little too clingy and sad sackish with my negative reaction only magnified by the fact I had zero time to deal with drama where there should be none. I feel like I'm growing more and more cynical by the day.
I propose a rewind to coast for the next 4 months (jesus christ, why is Thanksgiving in plain sight right now???) of the fall/winter months. When I cut out the excess to give my all to the job hunt, I don't think most of my life really recovered. It's hard to go from hardcore hedonist to shut-in cold turkey. I propose checks and balances: the return of my intrepid spirit but not breaking the bank, healthy living but not totally cutting out the greasy goodness or killing all the curves that I've really grown to love, remembering to smile and be social but not leaving myself open for whatever snake that'll slither up to me. I need some fun dammit. That's my end of the year resolution.
Posted by Candicissima at August 14, 2004 03:15 PM