Kitty Power

The Long Goodbye

I used to be known for the slow burn and explosions. For a person who always said they hated to put up with shit, I actually had a fairly high limit of what I would take. I'd wear my mask of whatever it was (depending on the person) and seethe until one day out of the blue, I'd hand their head back to them on a plate. I was in a permastate of inner rage and all of that is just draining after awhile. My stress level was always through the roof and I would think what's the point of being tenuously with someone if it just gives me grief. After two many times hitting brick walls (My favorite saying is after all: "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"), I decided to just opt out and life has been really good. You can teach an old dog new tricks. Who knew?

Farmer has a knack for reentering just when I feel like I've got it all figured out. I've been anxious about the big reunion since I spoke to him last week. It's easy to almost mythologize someone when they're far away. You forget all the things they do that you hate and how they can get all your weak spots and screw you over. (Or maybe that's just me. That's totally possible.) From the first IM yesterday, I felt my eyes narrow and blood pressure go up in familiar ways. I was in full blown inner rage by the time we met up.

A blast from the past meeting deserves a blast from the past venue. A slight joy was meeting up with a friend of his, S, that I'd met once and was a part of the good memories of a night that got progressively weirder (which was of course, mostly unblogged). He and I chatted that it been almost 8 months since that night and I in turn thought that I'd be caught up with Farmer's bullshit for over 9 months now. And of course, he is as infuriating as ever: flighty, spazzy, inconsiderate, overly sensitive, has to be the sun which everything orbits around. Every possible trait I hate with a passion. Between that and the interior storm, I was all wound up and thought on repeat: "fuck you, I'm over this." The part that bugged me the most was that I had dragged my tired ass out to hang yet I was always finding myself sitting alone because he was MIA. I started texting with Jay-V to pass the time and he of course had to reappear then accusing me of being anti-social. Did you know that there was a nice screeching sound that accompanies red rage vision? Now you do.

I was dragged outside to watch them smoke before he ran off again. By then, I was tired of pretending that utter dysfunction was actually fun and made a phone call to talk to someone normal. I stood out on 2nd Avenue, chatting and feeling like myself. I was actually a little depressed to have to go back in. Finishing up my drink, sitting alone in the dark again, I thought, I really could be doing this (well minus the drink) at home, preferably in bed asleep.

I walked over to where the boys were holding court and said goodbye to S. "See you in another 8 months," he said and I laughed. Farmer remarked, "Uh oh, she's pissed off!" and I was almost amazed that I really wasn't. There's a certain zen in just coming to a place where you just wash your hands of bullshit and opt out. You really just cease to care. It's a great feeling. The girl he was chatting with made a mock attempt to engage me in their conversation by asking, "Do you like guys to be more passive or aggressive?" "Aggressive," I replied without skipping a beat. She was semi-amazed. "Aggressive vs. Aggressive, huh?" She made a sign of fists going up against each other to symbolize head-butting. "That could be a lot of trouble, huh?" But at least it cuts down on the time wasting bullshit. I shrugged and walked away. I was tired of talking.

I was so tired that I was knocked out on the F until 169th Street...a.k.a. the stop after mine. I had to wait 15 minutes for a train to go back the opposite way. I blame him for that too. In the meantime, good riddance. Hopefully I won't have to see him for another 8 months either.

Posted by Candicissima at May 26, 2004 10:36 AM