The strongest impressions I come back with from the trip are the fine grains of dirt that cover everything and never seeing so much farmland in my life. And also that my family is like a gang. We descended on that little town about 20 deep. I found myself amazed that there was a town smaller than where my paternal grandmother's family ran from nearly 50 years ago. At least in Raeford there's the industry of the turkey plant, but in Garland, there's nothing but trailers and open land.
Ten hours on the road from NYC to NC each way plus the various bits of driving around meant bonding time. Being held captive in the van, alternating between movies (on the way down was Menace II Society. Damn, I haven't seen that movie probably since it came out. Ultra disturbing as ever. Someone needs to put out an APB on Tyrin Turner, stat!) and the radio (It's funny that before this trip, I thought it was just NYC radio that was bad. It sucks everywhere. I almost ripped it out of the dash having to be subjected to this song like 50 times with the chorus "Slo motion for me, slow motion for me" without much else as far as verses went. Plus they're playing "In Da Club" like it's a new hit. On the plus side, I do like "Freek-A-Leek" -- the chorus at least -- and I got more than my fill), meant cousins bonding time to the extreme. I haven't spent that much time with them since I was a kid. We fell right back into old roles with some slight modifications. I'm still the sarcastic smart mouth who can drop a fool. We still like picking on the younger kids. My younger girl cousin still whines so that it'll bust an eardrum, even though she's staring 20 in the face. Speaking on the cell to PrincessNella, she noted the sharp tones and patronizing jokes we pass around. We are a gang. I wasn't really kidding about that. Some of us noted that the only time everyone comes together is at a funeral. We need a joyous type of family event to congregate at. Though, my aunt is getting married in 3 weeks, so that should be a good one.
And Jesus, was it hot! The thermometer hovered around 93 all weekend and I, in my suit jacket Saturday, thought I would melt. I had packed a sweater forgotting where I was and as we made our way down the coast, got the strangest looks at the rest stop. My face and hands darkened about 5 shades. So sorry for bringing the heat back with me.
Taking advantage of the South, I was all about stuffing myself stupid with food. Everything was slamming. Ribs, macaroni salad, cabbage, potato salad, cakes and more. I was on an Arby's hunt, but made do with everything else. It caught up with me on the ride back as I swilled ginger ale and tried not to move.
I hate funerals and all their rituals. So much time is spent over the body and you're expected to conduct yourself as if it isn't there. How can I focus to talk about what I'm wearing to a wedding in a few weeks when I've got the glaring reminder of who I'm not going to see there? The whole thing is so ghoulish, especially when they drag out the cameras/camcorders and start touching the body. I spent most of the weekend with the chills, trying to avoid proximity whenever I could. That was almost impossible because I had to be front and center with my father. I had been thinking almost all the way down about if I would even be able to cry being that I spent all my time knowing about my half brother either barely thinking of him at all or indifferent. Between the pictures his friends had and his family saying how alike we were and then the finality of seeing him just laying there, it was hard. It's stupid to say -- or think -- I'm tired of death, but I am. It's like a layer of your heart is stripped away every time. Especially since knowing me, I'll file it away to the sad file and wear the mask and go about my life. But every once in a while, I'll wonder what life would be like if they were around. Eventually, those thoughts come less and less and life goes back to its regularly scheduled program of high and lows, bullshit and the sublime. Such is life I guess.
Posted by Candicissima at May 23, 2004 08:30 PM