I was amazed to find myself panicky and nervous. My heart was pounding a mile a minute, my head felt hot, my mouth dry, my hands cold. I stared at the number, trying to will myself into a Kill Bill situation. "Pick up the phone and dial."
I used to -- well, I still do -- spend a lot of time thinking about things like power dynamics. Saturday night on the way home, I stopped at the donut shop near the corner I catch the bus to talk with my friend there. He and I got into a convo about my cooking skills, or lack thereof. He was making the argument so many like to "you don't cook? What's your husband going to say about that? How are you going to find a husband if you don't cook?" I replied with a sardonic: "men know how to cook nowadays too. Being the house cook isn't really in the marriage contract or anything." I took it a step further and said that I wanted a house husband to cook, clean, and take care of the kids and home while I worked. I mean, why the fuck not? (But, in actuality, marriage should be partnership yadda yadda it's no one's job to do domestic stuff yadda yadda it's a household chore for everyone yadda yadda. Anyways...) I have little to no interest in those traditional type things right now anyways. A Rules girl I am most definitely not.
I've found it interesting lately the trend of guys giving me their numbers instead of vice versa. I suppose it follows though considering my "persona" is the enigmatic woman. As a random magnet, people feel comfortable talking to me and guys seem to volunteer info, so when we part ways, I know more about them than they do me. I suppose that throws me into the dominant role. If I actually was the type to get off on that shit. "Ooh...I have the power! Bow before me, you small man!" That's stupid. I don't really see how subverting the dominant narrative is doing anything but reinforcing it as a model of how things should be. I don't think that in relationships there necessarily has to be someone on top. Even in a sexual sense, there's no fun in one person always being the #1.
Besides, as the one with the number, it makes me feel semi-pressured. Sometimes I feel there's even rules involved to not following rules. Where does "too eager" stop and "apparently not interested enough" begin? There's always the fear that they won't remember you, that they're a two-timing sack of shit with a live-in girl who could answer the phone, that they never respond to your response, that they were really interested in the first place, that you didn't really like them at all in retropect, or that things go well until a disastrous meeting. Just pressure. You're making yourself so vulnerable through those wires. I believe the initial contact is more nerve shattering than actual dating can ever be.
But, I made the call and I was warmed by his surprise. A 45-minute call on the first try. It was totally comfortable and effortless. I do like a talker. It puts me in good company. What's next? Who knows? I'm taking the most careful little baby steps. Just trying to stay balanced.
Posted by Candicissima at February 24, 2004 02:07 AM