Something in Hell must've frozen over because I actually had an nice IM conversation with Shady where we commiserated over stupid would-be employers and lack of writing motivation. Imagine that shit. Then again, he's not a completely bad guy -- we do have commonalities and have known each other for almost two years now. And that's a period of time with such transformations that I can'f even recognize myself sometimes. He can say he knew me way back when on a certain level for sure.
Scaring the shit out of me at this place and time is that my birthday is 6 weeks from today. 23 isn't even necessarily a big year, but I have a list of things I wanted to have accomplished by the time that day rolled around and I have to say that I'm currently disappointed that it's looking ever so unlikely. There's a story from last week waiting to be filled in -- I just can't focus on that. The wonderful alignment that brought it all about faded soon after. Everything's been from blah to horrible since then.
I'm trying to focus on what's good, but I'm caught up in some serious tunnel vision. Even the thing I'd say I'm most excited about (namely the Miami trip) is being thrown into disarray because I was struck with the thought that staying with Farmer is just about the worst idea I've ever had. To bring it all full circle, it would be like trying to translate this small piece of goodwill towards Shady into believing that we're friends. It just isn't the way it is. Before he left, Farmer and I had some nice genuine moments, but how does that translate to it being a good idea to spending 3 days with him on a boat? Picture me still skating. I just had a nice convo with Farmer too and I feel somewhat better unexpectedly for the second time today. Perhaps if I stopped smoking crack, things would fall into place.