Every once in a while, I get completely blindsided with wanting to call people up and say "I just blah blah and thought of you so I called." But, of course, I don't because those are the bridges that have been razed with the locations burned and surrounding areas inhospitable.
Tonight, after stewing that I hadn't spotted myself in the Chappelle's Show audience (grr...), I was watching VH1 Classics and "C'est La Vie" came on. I was struck by a sudden surprising impulse to go to IM and say, "hey, Woof, fucking C'est La Vie! Is that the shit or what?" Woof, would be Woofie, former best of friends from high school. The pop culture connoisseur -- bordering on obsessive -- with whom I have many warm and fond memories of being a smart-ass and critic, tough girl, marshmellow, and always myself with over many years. But, we grew apart and different as years past and that relationship litters my past. Perhaps it sounds callous, but just because you miss someone and know you'll always have a lot of love for them in your heart doesn't mean they should be a part of your life.
I am constantly surprising myself by thinking of Mr. Sailor in strange times. For a long time, it hurt to do that. More than a year later, I have a lot of relics of him. Some of the pictures hang on my wall because I, usually averse to pictures, have so few with those kind of intensely radiant happy smiles. There's albums I loved when he was around that are forever linked to him: Mama's Gun, Hood Rich, In Search Of. For better or worse, that was the last time I put myself out there like that, so Saturday when I had that uncharacteristic heart to heart with Moon, he came up.
Then again, I think I'd be worried if I didn't have these memory flashes. I think it'd be on the scary side if I shut off the memory banks and pretended that people who were in my life for years or months or however long just ceased to matter once they are no longer actively in your life. Life definitely goes on, but your past is your foundation. As long as you're building on it and not letting it weigh you down, everyone has their place.
Posted by Candicissima at January 21, 2004 11:50 PMMemories are what keep us sane.
And, some of those better memories are what keeps us smiling :)
What are you building now?