2003 was a very good year. I can say that with strong feeling. I mean, natch, there was bad shit sprinkled here and there, but I feel more often than not happy, proud, fulfilled, hopeful, and light.
I had two main goals this time last year: the yearbook and leaving Middletown with my piece of paper (which included doing my senior essay). I didn't have to leave NYC over four years ago at all. I could've been at Hunter College with my full ride, maybe striking out and getting a place, working and being close to home. It's not like Connecticut was even that far. I originally wanted to go to Chicago or California or Minnesota. But, I felt an instant connection to Wes on my visit and I was determined to go. My years there, I doubted myself almost all the time. I felt disconnected, burned out, unhappy, and depressed a little too often. Then, I took on that yearbook knowing that I had unhealthy control freak tendencies and my folks looked on with mostly silent worry. Over the months, there were mild panic attacks, tears, too many days of burying myself under the covers, hiding in the office or my room, not going to classes, not doing anything. The yearbook was in disarray. I had 40 books for my essay but no words. I wasn't doing my work. In April, I was out of energy, ready to pack up and leave with everything just dangling. But, I stayed. I reached out. I got the support I needed. I owe that last month and a half to my friends and family. They pushed, pulled, walked me towards the finish line. They infused me with so much energy and reminded me that I, the procrastinator, the avoider, the slacker, was more than that. It all boiled to me having gone too far mentally and spiritually to give up. So I didn't and nothing will ever take that great feeling of coming out on the other side away from me.
I rang in 2003 in a strange way, surrounded by blasts from the pasts and one great friend who I hadn't seen for way too long. I was having a lot of problems letting go of Mr. Sailor yet I threw myself into mindless diversions for the sake of progress. I spent the first half of the year taking two steps forward and three steps back, getting crushed under the weight of my baggage. I wouldn't have said this at the time, but those extra months up in Middletown finishing the book was a good time for me. I did a lot of transitioning up there in between the hardcore bullshitting and creating something great. I got to take last looks at many of the places that had been backgrounds for so many stories and episodes. I could appreciate the beauty of the place and reconcile myself with the setting. I made my peace with Wes and Middletown. I settled the nostaglia that would've probably eaten me alive otherwise. I gave myself a clean break.
This year, I retrieved my poor little heart, wrapped it up tight, gave it some medicine, and it healed and feels better than ever. There was a time not so long ago when I thought on a daily basis that maybe I wasn't meant to be happy. I felt like I was under a curse last year with things I threw myself into turning into shit before my eyes. I grew up and learned how to stop taking myself so fucking seriously this year. I've tried to let a certain sense of lightheartedness power most of my relationships. If I would've met Farmer in what seems like my other life, I would've obsessed about him to death, wrote bad poetry, spent hours and hours writing pages about him in my journal. I would've convinced myself I was in love with him and our back and forth drama was too much to bear and driving me insane!!! Please. If I'm gonna be with a bad boy nowadays, at least I'm not going to get all overwrought about it. But, I think I'm enjoying nowadays not being with anyone. As easily as this might be to misinterpret, I love me. I'm over selling myself short because I'm in love with being in love/like. I like to think of myself as blissfully single, awaiting a surprising jolt and possibilities.
I also love NYC. I love the brashness, energy, mixtures, concrete, movements, and people. This is a city that can eat you alive if you let it. There's always someone offering something with the price and consequences to be revealed later. It's been so exhilarating for me to be in the place I grew up, this mad sprawling metropolis, with my perspective and positioning so different. You've gotta have heart for this city. An iron will. Belief in yourself. A loose plan. A collection of goals. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. I'm just getting started. I feel fresh and new here. My head is screwed on straight, my eyes are clear. I'm going to make it. That's the mode I'm in for the New Year.
Posted by Candicissima at December 29, 2003 02:31 PM