December 17, 2003


I've been experiencing a period of self-doubt. I have them often especially with the self-imposed deadlines coming and going without some sort of progress on my end.

This week has been a little different though. I watched my money horde dwindle to an uncomfortable amount and got a bank statement that read like a novel because it was so thick. Christimas time means present buying, but I'm lucky that my immediate family is small and we're not a gifts crazy sort. Like I said before, the job is finishing up. The year is over for all intents and purposes. I'm trying to give myself a last minute kick in the ass, so next year I can coast to my birthday.

I came to the realization the other day that I basically fucked up in school because I haven't had any internships in what I'm looking for, which is practically required, so I decided to try that route. Paid because Candice is not independently wealthy (anymore). I got a bite almost immediately and today was the interview. I think it went amazingly well. I was there for hours meeting everyone, including the girl I would replace, and I was really buoyed by that. It's not a lot of money, but I could live on it. As I managed to in college when I worked all the time for little money....oh, yeah, I didn't actually pay my bills then. Uh, scratch that. It felt good to realize that these past six months when I've felt like I was spinning my wheels, I've picked up skills/experiences that make me look good. I'm all about bigging myself up finally. It only took months. I find out the outcome of that soon since the holidays are speeding here and all. Of course I want it, but I think it gave me some confidence and momentum regardless of how it works out.

2004 is going to be big I've decided. I'm going to officially start promoting with my Friendsters and I think that's gonna be fun. Because I talked so much shit about that DJ competition that still pisses me off, I need to get myself in gear on the equipment. Vinyl is no problem. I've been mentally crate digging for years. I was talking Jay's ear off about that while waiting for the show taping to start Saturday. I miss my radio show so much. It's impossible to describe. In the midst of doing it, I operated on edge yet it always came together. Mr. Sailor made the mistake once of sitting in and he almost got a limb torn off. Now keep in mind that I'm an artist and I'm sensitive about my shit, in full effect. I made good shit out of disorder and chaos. The freaking yearbook was the same way. It's how I work, unfortunately occasionally.

Speaking of shit I'm sensitive about, I've found my writing coming back into my mind heavily out of sheer jealously really. Shady, the fucker, is getting writing credits all over the place and it's driving me absolutely insane. Ridiculous, huh? I don't care. More people should admit to their irrational feelings of hatred. It keeps you healthy. I don't feel as if I'm in a contest with him, but as passionate as I am (was) about my writing, I'll be damned if he leaves me in the dust. And there it is. I spied this little call on Nerve. I could rock the hell of that. And, boy, do I have material! I dragged my personal out of inactivity just for researching and creative purposes and I got two responses already. Any fun generated out of that will be strictly for personal amusement purposes. All work and no play makes Candice a dull girl.

Posted by Candicissima at December 17, 2003 06:57 PM

Hey, the Nerve.Com thing sounds great...
So, does theat mean you get to date a lot??? Do they pay so you can find dates? Ohh...Fun

Posted by: claudia at December 18, 2003 03:22 PM

I think it would mean I'd date a lot, yes. But, them paying for it, I think not.

Posted by: Candicissima at December 21, 2003 08:35 PM