I've been in a shit mood all weekend. It just kinda snuck up on me sometime after waking up Friday -- the shrillest alarm in history damaging your eardrum would probably do that I guess. I've been trying to fight it, being social all weekend, but between the rain and the fucked up journey to and from anywhere, I've been worn down. I'm unhappy. I feel like I'm in limbo. A lot of stuff has shaped up for me nicely, but I'm not satisfied. I want that permanent job. I want my own place. I want to nest. But, I'm also avoiding a Conversation and surprising myself by being pulled towards all sorts of fucked up things that would ruin something that feels nice a lot more than it doesn't. I'm doing that push-pull thing I've always despised in others. I don't make any sense. In my defense, I put that out there beforehand as a disclaimer, but that's no excuse to be a fuckup.
Walking to the bus stop earlier tonight, a guy across the street was doing that annoying hiss thing. That's gotta be one of my top pet peeves for sure. What would make a guy think by doing that he would be getting anything more than a dirty look (or a middle finger)? I mean, I know damned well he's skeezy and not thinking: "Wow, look at her big brain! She looks like she'll have crazy witty observations on life. I should ask her to recommend a book to me." Fuckwad. A look is too much to give a guy like that.
I hung out with Wes kids tonight. It's been a while. I've been in my own little world for a heap of weeks now. It ultimately made me more melancholy because it feels like everyone has their shit together but me -- though even thinking it, I know it's not true. I suck at keeping in touch. I've been trying to think all week what that's about. I've been searching for something all summer, bouncing from place to place, group to group. I need a routine. I need a foundation. I want someone to ground me, not push me to crazy heights I'm not ready for. I want that nice wholesome relationship, but I also want a mind reader.
I need to stop using this an emotional crutch. Sometimes I feel like I've lost my ability to speak with real words and breath and that is the root of most of my problems. I need to unplug for a while, but right now, I'm just reading and thinking..
Posted by Candicissima at September 14, 2003 05:37 AMYou do speak, and sing and write. Perhaps you are more conscious than others.
Posted by: Camilo at October 6, 2003 10:38 AM