Kitty Power

Why Blog?

Stupid Blogger lost yesterday's hurried post. Grr. Coming soon after I marinate on it a little bit more, The Interview Game.

Strange week this has been. Being busy is a great cure for driving silliness out of your head. I'm becoming a phone interviewing BS master. I've got two go-tos set up for next week plus a briefing meeting for that project that's going to have me living it up in October. I was telling PrincessNella that despite essentially wanting a full-time thing (I suppose, I'm becoming wishy-washy on that even. I'm such a slacker), what I have going right now is the best of both worlds. I've got plenty of time sitting home, watching TV, taunting people at work over IM that I'm doing nothing yet a few times a week, I put on my responsible face, go off to work, and most importantly get a paycheck. Work, being highly overrated, sucks and I can't say I'm really looking forward to the "9-5" (which really is so much than that in most industries I'm interested in) except for the more money part. Then again, who cares if I have more money when I'm worn out from the week? More money means more things, more responsibilities. Between paying off my student loans, moving out and then paying rent, internet, utilities, etc, the long overdue presents to myself, and trying to save a little something, I'll be just as broke as I was a month ago but in a different venue. Screw the rat race.

Amusing me the past month or so is the reemergence of the "girly" side. I suppose I'm typically a no-nonsense, cynical, universally underwhelmed sort of person, but when I like someone, it's different. It opens up all sorts of psychological cans of worms, mostly because I like being able to plan and proceed based on an arbitrary yet semi-logical Candice system, but dealing with romantic repercussions usually throws that out the window. I find myself thrown so far off balance, everything like a rollercoaster. Simultaneously tired and exhilarated. It's kinda fascinating once it's passed and I can process, but in the mix it scares me shitless. My "girly" side isn't about me wanting to dress up and be pretty or that stuff, it's a mental thing. Me trying to fit myself into a the paradigm of being a woman dealing with a man in the relationship sense on a "I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" tip (hopefully without having to ask), while trying to work out ways to incorporate my philosophies and history without bumping up against a wall. Trying to navigate that treacherous path has me super edgy and that's why I've been spouting out strange self-doubting stuff in the middle of everything else because I'm constantly thinking and rethinking what to do or not to, as the case may be. What I've been devoting a personally sickening amount of time turning over in my head is: why do some guys just drop off the face of the earth for a couple of days, then reappear like it's nothing? It drives me completely insane. Mr. Sailor got dumped for that -- among a heap of other reasons, but that amplified everything else. Surprisingly, I'm not a needy sort of person. I'm all about doing my own thing and having a separate life, but I just need the check-in. Just my quirk. Jay and I were talking about the rules I should put in place for a him and myself. Way up there has to be not mentioning the blog for at least a month. She was completely against it, but the blog is pretty big part of knowing me. All my friends read it and if I'm spending some serious time with someone, they're missing a major part of me. But the main thing is I spend a fair amount of time referring to it, so after a month it's gonna be way too glaring for me not to have shown it to him already. I started it for the laziness factor. I just got sick of telling people the same story over and over again or back when I told people selective things for whatever reason, not remember who was what and not wanting to have to backtrack. So, the blog's a basic Candice reference. The really juicy stuff is for offline or at least IM.