The mystery of the Shady solved: he's got a new girlfriend. He pissed me off last week in NYC by being generally evasive and wasting my time and then being all sketchy on AIM all this week. Being the tenacious sort, I just straight out confronted him earlier:
Moi: so what's your story?
Shady: hm
M: you're acting stranger than usual...or perhaps it's just me
SC: im sorry- im dating a girl now.
SC: which might explain the strangeness
M: boys are so strange. why didn't you just come out and say that before?
SC: i dont know.
SC: boys are strange.
M: obviously
M: well, that's good.
M: girl from school?
SC: nah, shes 25
SC: really nice girl
M: uh oh, older woman. go, mr. player.
SC: nahh. sorry ive been strange
M: it's cool. it wasn't really a big thing
M: i was just curious
M: it was a familiar evasiveness
SC: he he he.
SC: you are a perceptive broad
M: it's a scenario that's played out more than once
M: you should tell your girl i think you're a silly but generally chill
SC: i am a bit silly
SC: at times
sing it for me, Mary!
*rant on* Why are dudes so fucking tired? The dilemma of the year is how to not let my cynicism and irritation get in my way of idealistic hope that there is a decent guy out there for me. My resolve to stay positive is chipped away every time when the second I feel that a non-relationship is so wonderfully loose and clear that I can feel comfortable, the other shoe's gotta drop and the "oh, I didn't tell you I have a girl now" card has got to be pulled. Geez. What bugs me is not a case of a secret batch of romantic feelings I didn't know I had getting crushed. The emotional input plug-in may be disabled, but shit, I've got feelings. Why do I have to be jerked around? It's that I hate that instead of honoring the honesty I've always extended, they've got to be all evasive and secretive. That stupid "have your cake and eat it too" crap. Fuck that, especially since it's so transparent. That's why I'm perceptive. You have to develop a bullshit detector as part of the armor. *rant off*
I'm just annoyed because I hate the waste of even the most minimal of invested time. I think the one thing I am crystal clear is on is how much I don't want a boyfriend because I'm still infinitely sore from spending most of the past year being dragged through the emotional wringer by two cases of LDRs when I've always known that I'm the most anti-LDR person there is. I fear sometimes that my total disillusionment will overtake me and I'll be an empty predator doing my thing. Been there, done that in the much alluded to January stuff (yeah, yeah, I'll get to telling that story) and at the end of it all, I felt like shit because every feeling I'd been running from was still there...but now mixed up with some latent Catholic Madonna/Whore guilt. Fuck the exes because it isn't about any of them. It's about me wanting my rally but no one coming to the organizational meeting.
Posted by Candicissima at June 28, 2003 11:12 PM