Last night was one of those where I spent a lot of time feeling weird. Actually, the last couple of days have been like that. Spending 25 hours with no electricity brought it home my general lingering thought of feeling overstimulated. I'm in a mood to weed out the unnecessary clogging of my space. The strangest thought that hit me was to take the "dating" part off my Friendster profile. I only put that in there in the first place to imply that though I wasn't looking for a "serious relationship," I wanted something besides "friends" which is what I suppose "dating" means. I hate "dating." I don't do it well -- in fact, I don't know how -- and I'd rather avoid it whenever possible. It's like a neverending series of interviews and you have to maintain that sunny false front. There should be a category that envelopes "chilling just for kicks -- no pressure -- and if I decide I like you (or just get the urge), I might have sex with you. Again, no pressure." or is that dating and I never got the memo? (Oops, mentioned the "s" word. Silly me, I keep doing that.)
But what does it matter anyway because I don't want to do it in any of its forms. On my train ride home last night, I was just struck with how utterly bored I am with that stuff. I ended up there where I had more chance of being struck by lightning in the basement than getting a second look and I just loved being out of the game from the door -- though the novelty of that will wear off soon enough. I had enough of that every year of school but the last one, thanks. I chilled, was left alone, and just had a good time, not disappointed because I had no hopes out there. Not that I do anyways. I've realized that I'm indifferent, stuck on neutral. I don't like anyone, I don't want to like anyone and anyone that crossed my path, I've feigned the motions but I don't really care. I can't remember the last time I've been really excited about someone -- wanting to hear their voice, talking about them all the time, just feeling smiley and fuzzy when I'm with them. Perhaps that's a silly standard to have of what's good, but I'll stick with it until I know better.
Besides on a practical sense, I'm jobless and broke, working on a master plan and feeling a bit of pressure right now. Why the fuck would I try to further complicate the issues by having to worry about someone else and/or lose energy to tackle that by focusing time on them? I'm being selfish to get my shit together. I can almost guarantee I'll be a better person to be around once this crap has passed. I also realized last night that I've been single for about nine months now. It's been rough through a lot of patches, but I've earned my security. If it's not something that I think is going to make me feel the way I did the day this picture was taken, I really don't know if I can bother. To be clear, it isn't even about him -- after all, when I was crazy, I thought he was great, but I'm not so crazy anymore -- it's about regulating that youthful exuberance and the inevitable fallout because disasters are just tiring after a while, you know?
Oh, and what does this have to do with anything? Nothing. Just saying.
Posted by Candicissima at August 17, 2003 04:19 PM