I don't feel especially head in the clouds this week. The book is just...annoying. I suppose this can be blamed on -- besides the obvious: taking this freaking project on -- not planning ahead as I should've. Then again, when was I supposed to do that? I guess while I wasn't working in between feeling depressed and cheering up. Umm...not really.
Adding to my fun is this month's stroll down memory lane being "All Ex, All The Time." I need to get over it already. It's been 6 months. I hate it when I'm suddenly blindsided (again) with the bitterness that as he's frolicking in the tropics with his jailbait rebound (though being that they've been together since we've broken up, she's not technically. A rebound, that is. She is indeed barely, if even, 18.), I'm pining, alone, and miserable more often than not. I can't even take any consolation in having walked away from him because though I felt like I was heading to some sort of breakdown with the combination of him being so ridiculously far and all the general crap going on here, the last thing I am is satisfied. I can't even imagine thinking of simply finding a replacement. The whole episode has turned me so far off to the concept of relationships, being emotionally open, or just being out there. But, I want to. The stupid episode from earlier in the semester was my tentative reentry into the dating world -- besides my January fit of debauchery, but that's a totally different story for a real site post perhaps. The thing with that kid was that I could never be sure if I really liked him. I even I confused myself on that matter. I just loved the attention and having someone crazy over me for a change and the fact he was shit hot and the grapevine fallout was like a constant ego boost didn't hurt. But then, wackness. I totally let my ego get too wrapped up in him because when everything went sour and stupid, I lashed out in a big way. I was mad pissed off that I was going to be cast aside it was with someone that isn't really that cute and besides that, has been passed around more times than a dollar bill. (Why yes, I am a bitch. Thanks for asking.) Seeing them near constantly and him still sniffing around like a pathetic dog was like salt in my wounds.
Aurgh...I need to stop dwelling. I won't see them again -- if I'm lucky -- besides reunions. Though she is moving to NYC. I do actually know how to avoid Wes people, but fate might bring us together out of spite. The ex and I have most of the continent plus a chunk of the Pacific between us. Deep in my heart, I know he's not worth the angst. He's immature and full of macho bullshit which is why I broke up with him in the first place. I went to Iowa for him. I've been tortured enough. It's time for more work and less drama. Once I go back to NYC, I have a clean slate. I always thrive at home.
Posted by Candicissima at May 29, 2003 08:38 PM