Kitty Power

You Can’t Escape The Echo of My Love

I’m trying to switch gears and it’s not going so well. Another weekend, another late night, and me doing a walk alone. I’ve been turning around in my head: is it better to walk alone than feel alone in a crowd of people? Neither is ideal and I’m at a loss. Something’s missing and I don’t know what it is. I hate it when the emo sneaks up on me. There’s also a lot of shit going on in the non-flighty areas of my life. It’s hard to be off making random connections when there’s actual fires that need to be put out. I’m sure it’ll all work out sooner or later.
The other weekend, I went to a party in Greenpoint where the old warehouses meet the homes. I had traipsed from home, where I had been holed up all day on my computer. I had been trying to convince a work friend to come along, but I had accidentally insulted him over IM. I thought about backpedalling, but gave up instead. Our relationship is built on almost sibling-like verbal sparring and it wasn’t worth it to me to back down. So, I was alone walking the dark streets. When I’m alone lately, I have these strange morbid thoughts of realizing I’m not as big as I think I am and anything can happen to me when off on one of my crazy late adventures. The hazards of watching SVU repeats before going out.
I waited on line and I saw some friends I hadn’t seen in a long while. We chatted briefly and it was fun and good for a sec. They were in a big group and I guess the sensible thing for me to do was join, but I didn’t. Sometimes I’m just strange like that. I watched a performance and wandered around and chatted briefly with people I know and some I didnt and then went home. A night like any other.
They say curiosity killed the cat and satisfaction brought her back. This past Saturday night put me face to face with the thorn in my past’s side, The Boy. I had been holed up in the house all weekend and was restless as midnight rolled around. I decided to keep it slightly beyond walking distance local and go to this bar a short bus ride away. I strolled in and tried to get used to my surroundings and there he was. With an extra special guest, The Ex-Fiancee. The whole thing was almost funny if it wasn’t so absurd. I think I thought I’d be more torn up inside about seeing him. Especially since in the case of Farmer, just thinking about him sometimes kinda tears me up. The Boy drudged up a major case of irritation and also some relief. Sometimes I want to scream from the rooftops how happy I am to be rid of him. It hasn’t been too hard not to see him these past couple of months because he doesn’t know about anything on his own. Without me giving him info, I can go plenty of places in peace.
Seeing the two of them together was almost fitting. For the longest time, I knew nothing about that girl, but she was always the invisible third party, her shadow looming over everything. She had hurt him, so that was his justification to hurt me. And there they were standing across the room, overly concerned about me for a change. I was there to drink and dance and keep my beverages in their glasses unless I was drinking it. She kept conveniently passing me and tried to stand next to me on the bathroom line and chit chat. I wasn’t cold, but still noncommittal. The face to face was strange. There’s no contest between us because she doesn’t measure up to me. And then there he was flitting around like that fly you can’t quite kill. Ghosted. Life is too short. I hope he has fun making someone else’s life miserable. Afterwards, I even treated myself to a milkshake and some White Castle cheeseburgers and a cab ride home. Alone, but for a change, it felt good.

One Comment

  1. Perhaps you should consider studying a martial art, it could make you feel less vulnerable on those late night trips alone.